I would love to, but I can't. I'm too [insert negative excuse here].

Scared. Broke. Not talented enough. Uneducated. Unmotivated. My idea won't work. I don't know how to do that.

Unmotivated? Ask for help from your support system. Don't know how to do it? Learn. Broke? Work hard at something you might not have a passion for first to create a nest-egg to invest in your true path. Not talented? Where is the proof aside from your own Negative Nancy-pants attitude? If you've never tried to make a go of something, how can you be sure it won't work out? 

I am a pretty social person. So when I uprooted my whole life and moved it to a different community so my sweetie and I didn't have to spend most of our time together over the phone, my socialization came to somewhat of a standstill.

I like having more than one friend around that I feel like I can call up at any time of the week and make plans with. I have been spoiled with great friends who had a lot of time to spend with me, who I was close enough with that it was sort of just a given that I would see them almost once a week. They are my family.

When I decided to seriously take on a blog, I wanted to commit to at least one post a week, for a year, and then see where it takes me. I am hitting the half-way point on that goal and I have made my commitment every week, except one (where I was away and I was actually so busy that I totally forgot). Even though some weeks I struggle with what to say or I am disheartened when I don't feel that a post is complete, I feel good knowing that I am getting it done. And I am getting a lot out of it.

I feel like the phrase "Dream on!" has gotten a bad rap. I feel sad that the connotation most associated with these two simple words implies that someone is out of their league be it in business, in dating, or in ability. It should be the opposite! Dreams are fantastic, inspired, often confusing things that can lead us down the most wonderful and unexpected paths if we are brave enough to follow them. We should be shouting from the rooftops at each other "Dream On!" not as a taunt, but as encouragement!

I am a planner. I make lists. I use the Calendar and the Notes app on my phone almost as much as I use my messaging or camera (which is a lot...I need less screen time). I also have a Moleskin planner that I carry with me almost everywhere, just in case I feel like using it instead. 

When it comes to planning events or gatherings of any kind, I am a bit neurotic. I don't mind taking charge in a situation where nobody else is, even when it means I am a bit annoying. The catch is that I am a highly anxious person and I am also a people pleaser.

A few months ago, I happened upon an article that made the argument that having expectations is what really causes the end of a lot of relationships. What they discussed was that we all may have a hidden agenda of expectations that sometimes we aren't even conscious of, and what kills us is that we don't share them with our partners, letting these silent killers fester when we think they are letting us down. The point was made that whether your hidden expectations are realistic or not, you still need to address them. For example, if I expect my boyfriend to buy me flowers every week (which I do not), and he doesn't, I am going to be disappointed every week that he does not meet these expectations. The really unfair part would be if I said nothing, and just let my resentment to this expectation not being met grow. 

Should I cancel? I can't cancel, that's flakey. I hope they cancel. But then I will be disappointed. But that also means I don't have to see anybody. I want to see people, I like people. I also like staying home alone. I just won't go, no one will miss me anyways.

That is pretty much the conversation I have with myself every time I have some sort of social engagement planned. I can't stop it. I want to be out with a group, meeting new people, learning new things,  and soaking up the social energy. I also want to be home, to be in the quiet, to be some place I feel safe, where I can be my whole self and no one can see it. I have heard this described as being an Introverted Extrovert. Introverts get their energy from being alone, extroverts get it from being with others. I think that, like gender, these designations exist on a scale, not as absolutes. I need both alone time and social interactions to feel fulfilled. 

I find myself lately thinking often about how grateful I am to be Canadian, and it's not just because it is acceptable to wear lululemon leggings, a plaid shirt, a toque, and blundstones as a complete outfit.

I have loved Wonder Woman as long as I can remember. I have revered her strength, her beauty, her mystique, her heart. I eagerly awaited the most recent instalment of modern DC movies focusing on the legend of this great warrior. Saying I was not disappointed would be an understatement.

During a scene where Diana courageously steps onto a battlefield alone, tears came to my eyes. I wept watching her battle a legion of armed soldiers to reach a fallen city and save it's inhabitants from slavery and death. Despite my history of emotional outbursts during cinematic experiences, I felt this was an odd moment to become teary. It was war. A thought occurred to me: I was weeping for myself, for my gender. It had been so long since I had been presented with such an impactful display of female heroism. I was so happy to see a strong woman on screen fighting for what she believed in, and protecting those who could not fight for themselves. I could feel years of oppression streaming down my face. No, I have not had to fight the hardest battles in the war on gender equality, my brave predecessors did that for me, and I am so grateful. Still, almost every day I find myself fighting harder for so many small things because I am a woman. And as Westerner, my struggle is minute compared to those of my fellow sisters abroad.

"Dear Sweet Beautiful Smart Capable Daughter,"

That was how a recent e-mail from my Dad started. How amazing would it be if that was the messaging all girls got from their Dads? I feel pretty lucky to have a Father who is not only a big believer in me, but in women in general. Despite any other challenges to my self-esteem, I am willing to bet that his attitude has made a significant impact on how I view my ability to succeed. When I was growing up, I didn't learn that my gender would influence my career until I was much older, and out in a society that believed it could. I am so grateful that is the start he gave me. 

bus·y

adjective

1. 1.

   having a great deal to do. "he had been too busy to enjoy himself"

   synonyms:occupied, engaged, involved, employed, working, hard at work; rushed off one's feet, hard-pressed, swamped, up to one's neck; on the job, absorbed, engrossed, immersed, preoccupied; informal(as) busy as a bee, on the go, hard at it.

These days when people ask me how I am, I usually say "busy." If you think about it, its sort of a funny answer. Busy is not an emotion, or a physical state like tired or in pain, yet we use it as if we are describing one.

Every time we meet someone new, we are often asked the same questions, like on a first date. So often the things we end up sharing are things that don't tell someone who we really are. So I made a list, from the things that people usually want to know or at least ask about, to the things I think are important to know or just things that I like about myself. I tried to stick to facts, and to not delve too deep into dreamy things. It's not exhaustive, but it is mine and making it was actually fun. If you don't want to know anything about me, don't read it. What I want to know is about you. What are your "vital stats"? The things that you actually want people to know about you. The things that make you feel unique or important. The things that might surprise people. Or the things that make you scared and you wish someone knew so they could make them seem less scary.  Post them, send them to me, share them. If it's one thing or 100, mundane or shocking, I want to know!

The other day, my lovely boyfriend came home and made an innocent query  about something I was doing. My ego jumped out in full force to shut him down, twice, in about 10 minutes.  What were harmless, inquisitive comments were met with reactive responses that effectively ended the conversation. He left the room. Metaphorical tail between my legs, I went to find him a few minutes later to apologize. I admitted my wrong behaviour, I explained my reaction, and I asked for forgiveness.

Recently, I was lucky enough to be present when author Anne Lamott gave a TED talk. She spoke with the cadence of a practiced writer, her calm, comedic timing was on point, and her balance between the humorous and the poignant was something I will forever aspire to imitate. As a lover of words, her whole talk was mesmerizing. She said one thing though, that I sincerely hope will profoundly change the way I write.

         "If people wanted you to write more warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

My regular 9-5 job that takes up most of my time these days is in a male-dominated industry. My co-workers are all men and they are either mechanics or work closely with them. I work mostly in the office, but from time to time I need to step out on to the retail floor to support my team. I don't do any service work or parts ordering, it's not an industry I have ever taken a particular interest in, so there are often times when I can't answer the questions thrown at me. And sometimes I know exactly what a customer wants and can help them out fluidly. The thing that bothers me most is when someone doesn't even give me a chance. Every time someone, usually a man, comes in and asks "Can I talk to someone else?" or " Are the guys here?" it breaks me down a little bit. I know that not every time is meant as a jab at my gender, and even the ones that are, may not be conscious. But it still hurts. I am so tired of being the person that no one wants to talk to. I am tired of being dismissed because someone assumes I can't help them. I am tired of feeling incompetent every time I can't get the right answer.

The word Adulting annoys me. I feel like our generation has swayed so far from the times when people took personal responsibility for their lives and their actions, myself included. We seem to have been sucked into the world of convenience, which has also somehow made us think that just because we can order shoes and cute duvets to our doorsteps in a few clicks, means that everything else should be just as easy, including our jobs. That is a big mistake.

Recently a storm derailed my plans. I live on an Island, if I want to get anywhere else I need a boat or a plane. Living life by a ferry schedule is old hat for me since I grew up here too, but in almost two decades, it has been an issue only a handful of times. When on occasion Mother Nature beats her wings so strongly that the waters churn too much for a crossing, or makes the turbulence too dangerous in a plane, no matter what my plans, I am land locked. There is nothing to be done but stay home and weather it out. 

It got me thinking: what about other storms? Ones not fuelled by wind or rain, but by emotional upset.