The Newspaper Test

Recently, I was lucky enough to be present when author Anne Lamott gave a TED talk. She spoke with the cadence of a practiced writer, her calm, comedic timing was on point, and her balance between the humorous and the poignant was something I will forever aspire to imitate. As a lover of words, her whole talk was mesmerizing. She said one thing though, that I sincerely hope will profoundly change the way I write.

"If people wanted you to write more warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

For a long time, I have been the diplomatic one, the peace keeper, the steadier of rocky boats. I let this translate into my writing and I feel like it inhibits me. I often feel that I abstain from writing about the messier parts of my life because I am worried about what other people will think about my perceptions and descriptions of them. The stuff that is mine I am less concerned with, but when I imagine writing a less than flattering review of someone's behaviour, I start imaging how I may hurt their feelings, what they may say or do in retaliation, and it stops my pen (or my cursor) from moving across the page.  It makes me lose the truth, the rawness, the realness. What Anne said about people behaving better really got me thinking. Why should I censor something that really happened? If it is a story I want to tell, an important experience, why shouldn't I tell it how it actually happened, not the rose-tinted version?

As a writer, it is important to go inside, as deep as you can. To go to places you might normally avoid. To memories you might have buried, to things that scarred you, burned you, beat you down. Sticks and stones had nothing to do with the bruises living under my skin. A tone of voice can cut sharper than a knife. A single comment may change the course of someone's self-esteem for years. Bullies aren't just on the schoolyard. Wounds need more than a bandage and a stiff upper lip to heal, sometimes you need to talk about how you got them to move on. And if the tale paints a colourful, yet accurate picture, so be it.

I have had many moments in my life that I would prefer not to be published in print. Bad decisions, flippant remarks, hurtful actions. And we don't always expect that someone we are interacting with is taking mental notes about the way we handle things. But whether our behaviour, good or bad, is written about after shouldn't effect how we act. 

When faced with a behavioural decision, it might help to think back to the Newspaper Test, which I am sure I learned in an intro Philosophy class in University. It essentially asks you to think about your proposed decision and imagine it being the headline to an article in a Newspaper. Would you be comfortable with that or not? If the answer is no, the test is meant to encourage you to go another way. Having the forethought to utilize this tool with everything you say and do would be immensely time consuming, and kudos to anyone who does. It might also be helpful as an introspective tool of reflection after the fact. You can apply it to your past behaviour as well, sort of like a filter, to find the inkier spots you'd like to erase, and help you learn not to make so many smudges.

I'm not looking to slander anyone and I'm not looking to write for vindictive reasons. I try to deal with my interpersonal issues in person. Writing is for me though, and most of my topics come from my real life. I don't live in solitude, I am challenged by other people's personalities, their expectations, their actions, opinions, and judgements on the daily. I am far from perfect and I catch myself in moments of poor behaviour and communication all the time, and I want you all to keep me honest and question when I spill my guts about something that you think I might be sugar coating, especially if  you were there and you know that's not how it happened. Reflection isn't always easy, but it will help me be a better writer, a better person.

I have been told often that I should write a book about my family, which would be quite the emotional undertaking. I have sat down more than once to start it, and only come up with blank pages. I just don't know where to begin. More than anything else though, I think it is my reluctance to expose things about other people. Maybe I just need to talk to them first, so they aren't blindsided. Maybe it will be good, we can actually hash some things out. I would really like to write something that details our lives, my life. Not for any specific reason. Just so it's there. So maybe someday someone will read it and find solace in a shared experience. But I don't want it to be the Instagram filtered version. I'd rather not write it at all if that's all I am willing to give. I'd rather keep my artistic integrity. I hope my heart is brave enough to get there someday. Thanks, Anne.