Clearings
The other day, my lovely boyfriend came home and made an innocent query about something I was doing. My ego jumped out in full force to shut him down, twice, in about 10 minutes. What were harmless, inquisitive comments were met with reactive responses that effectively ended the conversation. He left the room. Metaphorical tail between my legs, I went to find him a few minutes later to apologize. I admitted my wrong behaviour, I explained my reaction, and I asked for forgiveness.
Thankfully, we rarely have this type of interaction. We are generally very kind and open in our communication, for which I am very grateful. I trust him wholly with my emotional safety and with the trueness of my self. Gone are the days when I worried that I would be judged or disrespected for my opinions, or shamed for my choices by my partner. I am so happy to wake up every morning with someone who encourages me to take risks, to stand up for myself, supports me; someone who loves me more than anything and isn't afraid to say it. If my biggest fear is letting him down, I am living a blessed life.
It amazes me how many close relationships I either hear about or witness, be it with family, friends, co-workers, partners, that go through similar communication challenges, and nothing constructive is done. I am certainly guilty of it in probably most of my other close relationships at one time or another. I am not surprised though. It is a vulnerable place you have to go to to either express your feelings of hurt or of apology. You have to be brave enough to let your ego down. You have to be willing to admit that you are wrong.
Many of you know that I spent several years working at lululemon, and despite the stereotypes about the company culture, I learned a ton of awesome communication tools while working there that are useful in pretty much all situations. One in particular is something I use more than anything else. It is called a Clearing. I can't remember all the specific details of when it was explained to me, but I understand it like this: a Clearing creates a safe, open space to communicate, and is often used when one person needs a way to bring up an uncomfortable encounter or topic. The person needing the Clearing must request the permission/opportunity from the other. Generally, they take a turn to speak first, and then offer a safe space for response. Both parties are essentially agreeing to be open to critique, to speak honestly and kindly, and to be prepared that the conversation may take them somewhere vulnerable. A Clearing only works if both parties know what it is and agree to the terms. You can't just spring it on someone, they will definitely be confused; you have to educate them first. It is also not an excuse to berate someone out of the blue. The whole point is to give someone warning that you need to discuss something, and give them the opportunity to prepare themselves. It is perfectly ok to ask someone to wait to deliver the Clearing until another time when it will be better received and more constructively discussed. I hope I have explained that well enough!
It doesn't always have to be about something super serious either. I have shared in Clearings about small things like the way I chop tomatoes, or how someone leaves their protein powder cups on the counter. It can be an awesome way to clear something out of a relationship that has been festering for too long, and could be seeping into other areas of your relationship without you even knowing. It will feel awkward the first time, you might feel squirmy if you are not used to that kind of vulnerability, especially if what you are clearing involves some behavioural work on someone else's part. The beauty is that if a relationship is worth keeping, they will meet you half way and work on it with you. You could find immense relief from just one conversation. Doesn't that sound worth it?
I have shared this tool with several people in my life, and those who were brave enough to try it, always come back with positive results. You have to be in it though. You have to go big. It might be hard, but you will thank yourself later, and eventually, so will everyone else. So be brave, get clear, and get the relationships and the life that you want.