Introverted Extrovert

Should I cancel? I can't cancel, that's flakey. I hope they cancel. But then I will be disappointed. But that also means I don't have to see anybody. I want to see people, I like people. I also like staying home alone. I just won't go, no one will miss me anyways.

That is pretty much the conversation I have with myself every time I have some sort of social engagement planned. I can't stop it. I want to be out with a group, meeting new people, learning new things,  and soaking up the social energy. I also want to be home, to be in the quiet, to be some place I feel safe, where I can be my whole self and no one can see it. I have heard this described as being an Introverted Extrovert. Introverts get their energy from being alone, extroverts get it from being with others. I think that, like gender, these designations exist on a scale, not as absolutes. I need both alone time and social interactions to feel fulfilled. 

Every time I make plans the extrovert in me is so excited to socialize, to converse, even just to get out of the house. I look forward to these events! My introverted side wants to cancel everything the day before it happens, wants to stay home in my comfort zone, maybe read or watch re-runs on Netflix and hide from most of the world. It's not that I all of a sudden decide that I'd be better off alone. I always have that feeling just below the surface, and it sort of creeps up and comes to a high point at the last possible minute.  I have never had a full blown anxiety attack, but these moments are full of struggle, confusion, and contradiction. 

My challenge is this: I always seem to want both. "What do you want to do tonight?" has become one of the most painful questions you can ask me. I am a planner, a doer; put me in a group and I will at some point take at least a subtle leadership role. But socializing has become something that gives me more anxiety than anything else I do. I have great sympathy for my lovely partner who most of the time is quite happy to spend time at home, alone or together. Then I complain that we aren't social enough, yet I expect him to do something about it, not me. Not really fair. 

I was recently given a cook book called Cravings, by Chrissy Teigen. Apart from the fact that all the recipes look decadently delicious, I loved her little blurbs before each dish. She reveals a lot about herself in this book. On more than one occasion she discusses that even though she loves to prepare food for people, she is always hoping they'll cancel. Or that when she calls you, the best gift you can give her is letting her call go to voicemail. I think that is such a telling and relatable anecdote, because as I read it, I could feel the memory of the anxiety I get when I pick up the phone, especially to dial someone I don't know all that well. I get it.

I used to be better. I sort of trained myself in my youth to be ok with standing alone at parties, to actually go even if I only knew a few people, to be comfortable feeling uncomfortable. Even if I wasn't a part of anyone's inner circle, I wasn't going to make any new friends sitting home with a book (which I also loved to do.) I have found that being in a place like I am now, a small Island community, I am more inclined to lean towards my introverted nature. When I was in a big city, my schedule was much more likely to be full almost every night with some sort of activity. 

It's true that the community I live in now has less people my age than a bigger place, and there are less amenities, like new restaurants to try, concerts....whatever else people do in cities, I don't remember it's been too long. There is a great community of people close to my age that are up to all kinds of cool things here. The thing is: I am shy. I have been told I am the most extroverted person you know, and there are years of evidence to support those claims. I am great when I am in my comfort zone, and often when I'm not, it really depends. But, especially as an adult, I am nervous about reaching out to strangers and asking to be their friend. How do you even do that?  I find it much more challenging than I found dating. Asking someone out has a clear message:" I think you're cute, let's hang out and see if there is anything romantic about it". Asking someone to be your friend is like saying "You seem fun, I think I'm pretty fun, let's hang out and see if we connect enough on a platonic level to want to do it on a regular basis." Adults need something like pre-school, where you all show up to learn something, but everyone knows you are also looking for pals to share the proverbial sandbox with. I love meeting new people, I really do. I often have this little voice in my head that tells me they don't want to meet me though. I don't know where it stems from, but it stops me short. I have to believe that I am worth socializing with enough to actually do it. At least when I truly want to.

The verdict is still out on this one, I don't yet know the perfect way to calm my anxiety and balance my contradictory personality traits. I just know that sometimes, I really crave people as much as I crave solitude, and sometimes both at once. So if you see me at a gathering with a book in my hand, I'm still having fun, but maybe come and say Hi. If you want.