Can I Help You?

My regular 9-5 job that takes up most of my time these days is in a male-dominated industry. My co-workers are all men and they are either mechanics or work closely with them. I work mostly in the office, but from time to time I need to step out on to the retail floor to support my team. I don't do any service work or parts ordering, it's not an industry I have ever taken a particular interest in, so there are often times when I can't answer the questions thrown at me. And sometimes I know exactly what a customer wants and can help them out fluidly. The thing that bothers me most is when someone doesn't even give me a chance. Every time someone, usually a man, comes in and asks "Can I talk to someone else?" or " Are the guys here?" it breaks me down a little bit. I know that not every time is meant as a jab at my gender, and even the ones that are, may not be conscious. But it still hurts. I am so tired of being the person that no one wants to talk to. I am tired of being dismissed because someone assumes I can't help them. I am tired of feeling incompetent every time I can't get the right answer.

 I remember telling my Dad after working in this job for over  a year about these kinds of sexist incidents. He was heartbroken. For a man who raised his daughter to love herself and has always exhibited to me his awe and respect for women in general, it seemed to baffle and sadden him. It made me sad because I could hear the disappointment in his voice knowing that his daughter felt this way. In a strange way, it also made me happy knowing that I had a Father that believed so strongly in women as equals, that my experiences surprised him. Almost like he expects the same standards of other men that he holds himself to, to the point that he can't imagine that kind of disrespect, which is pretty great. 

I think it may be especially difficult for me because I went form working with primarily women, to all men. I am the only female in the group and most of our customers are men. I love men, men are usually great, it's just a different atmosphere, and a drastically different industry. I should mention that my team never makes me feel incompetent. They are always happy to teach me something when I ask, and they are never annoyed when I need their knowledge to assist a customer. They are a great team and do not contribute to the prejudice that I experience. 

I work where I do because my partner is the business owner and I like working with him, and he loves having me there. Unfortunately, his line of work isn't something I share a passion for, nor is bookkeeping or paperwork, which is primarily what I am responsible for. I used to pride myself in working somewhere I had a passion for, somewhere where I knew what I was doing and I was always learning so I was constantly improving. What I have discovered in the past few years is that I do not thrive in a workplace that I don't feel effective in. I hold myself to high standards and I hate being wrong. I am sure I need to spend some more time in therapy figuring out why I let that effect me so much. I have also discovered that I have a difficult time motivating myself to get better at something that I have no interest in and very little aptitude at. Why would I waste my energy? I think, when I could spend it on something I really care about. Whenever anyone has asked me for advice about taking a job or leaving a job in the past, I have often said the same thing: If you don't like it, make a change. If you're not sure about it, give it a try and if you need to later, you can make a change. There are very few jobs that I know of that are binding to the point of no return.

Currently, I am living against my own advice in full hypocrite form. It made sense for me to work with my partner when I moved from Vancouver because he needed to hire someone with my skill set, and after about a year of living on Salt Spring, I still hadn't found something I truly wanted to do. He is excited about the changes I have brought to his business and he appreciates what I do for him. Recently, I had to have one of the hardest conversations I have ever had to have with him, where I told him I did not want this to be my full-time long-term career path. I let it get to the point where it was hurting me because I wanted to have a plan when I brought it up, but I couldn't wait anymore. He was disappointed, because he loves having me around, we are lucky to be one of those couples who never seem to get sick of each other. Graciously he said that he understood and that my happiness was the most important thing to him and he would support me in whatever I needed. (Cue tears.) Ever since we talked, he has tried to find ways for me to be more creative and take on new projects that are of more interest to me. We agreed it will be a long-term transition so that I don't leave the business unsupported, as well as our household. I feel incredibly lucky to be in a relationship where I can share these needs with minimal fear and be met with support and love.

Maybe I am entitled and selfish to think that my work should be something that I am interested in and excited about, but if that is the reality, that makes me sad. I realize that I am enormously privileged to have the choice to do something about it, and so I will. I don't have a plan yet and it terrifies me. In my work, I want to be creative, I crave interaction with real people, not just a screen. I want to care about any product or service I represent. I want flexibility and freedom. I want to feel productive, effective, and challenged. I want to be respected and taken seriously, but also to receive feedback so I can improve. I might be chasing a fantasy, but I don't think so. I know people who do it, make it their reality, but it is a lot of hard work. I have to create it for myself. I am working on it. I'll keep you posted.