Great Expectations

A few months ago, I happened upon an article that made the argument that having expectations is what really causes the end of a lot of relationships. What they discussed was that we all may have a hidden agenda of expectations that sometimes we aren't even conscious of, and what kills us is that we don't share them with our partners, letting these silent killers fester when we think they are letting us down. The point was made that whether your hidden expectations are realistic or not, you still need to address them. For example, if I expect my boyfriend to buy me flowers every week (which I do not), and he doesn't, I am going to be disappointed every week that he does not meet these expectations. The really unfair part would be if I said nothing, and just let my resentment to this expectation not being met grow. 

This really got me thinking. I actually ended up writing a long letter to my partner about all my expectations of him in our relationship. I was totally honest, brutally so, about what I knew I really expected, realistic or not. I didn't give him the letter, but we did discuss it. I shared with him what I learned. I realized I do have expectations that are underlying small annoyances I have from day to day and they really have nothing to do with his beahviour. I can't expect him to read my mind, but I can expect him to listen to me explain what my expectations are, and help me find how best I can manage them. I feel the really helpful part is to discuss those expectations that are not really reasonable with your partner, and then at least they know where your brain is going when you are annoyed for seemingly no reason. That takes some bravery on your part, because admitting that you really do expect them to rub your shoulders every night or to just leave you alone when you want to be angry about something instead of fixing it,  means you are laying bare some of your emotional needs, with the understanding that you might be asking too much.

I go back to that letter often, on days when I find myself upset about something, and use it as a way to check myself. Does what I am upset about fit into the realistic or unrealistic realm? I find it really useful to review my thoughts before I sit down to communicate them, as then I know I am coming from a genuine wish to be honest, and not a place of unreasonable resentment.

I was also discussing this topic with a dear friend lately. We were discussing what effect having higher than average expectations can have on your friendships as well. I worry that it might create tension between friends who have a differing opinion of what is expected in a relationship, potentially creating unnecessary resentment on both sides. I have felt this way before and struggled with how to address it because a friendship can sometimes be even more delicate than a partnership, as you're not always totally sure what the other person is thinking.

How great would it be if this conversation didn't make us uncomfortable:

"Hey, the other day when we were X, I expected that you X and when you didn't, I felt disappointed."

"Oh, I didn't realize that. That isn't something I would expect from my friend/partner, so I wasn't aware. Let's discuss where we are not meeting each other's expectations, what is realistic, and how we can find a common ground so we are both happy."

I challenge you (and myself) to either write yourself an 'Expectations Letter' or have one of those conversations you know you need to have (or both!) in a relationship that is important to you. Come at it with truth and compassion and a willingness to exist in the uncomfortable for a short time. I bet that if both parties are up to the challenge, you will find a deeper connection and a happier, sustainable balance in your relationship.