Staying in Touch

Staying in touch with everyone you would like to can be hard. When people used to say things like "I am staying in to catch up on my correspondence," that was a legitimate thing. Letters take a lot of time! That doesn't seem to be as common an activity these days. Even now, with all our technological advances, I often feel like I could stay home nearly every night of the week to catch up with friends and family and still not be properly caught up (I am also a very wordy and social person and my friends clearly live fabulously entertaining lives). My connections are the most important thing in the world to me. I want to know everything going on in the lives of the people I care about, and that is a tall order.

Most of my closest friends don't live in the same town as me anymore, which is an incredible challenge, especially since I have been very privileged in the past to have most of my favourite people within a 10km radius (I should note that that is due to my moving away...my bad) and I am used to just popping over for tea or wine when the mood strikes. I am pretty good at the every day texts that update me on weekend plans and recent life events (which I think are important too), but I would like to improve on getting to the really meaningful topics. I want opinions, dreams, struggles, knowledge, and anecdotes, both mundane and provocative.

So, I am re-committing to re-connecting. My medium of choice will be real letters, cards, anything I can write on and mail. I have had a lovely set of gold flecked, cream coloured stationary sitting in my desk drawer for years waiting to fulfill it's literary destiny. I hope to ink it's heavy pages with stories, advice, poetry, questions, and maybe even a few secrets. I think it is a very personal and thoughtful way to communicate with someone. I also like the idea that the letters may live on, and be found in a box of memories years from now, by someone's children or grandchildren, and they will be like a little snapshot of who I am and what the world is like today. Like a tiny time capsule.

I hope to write at least one letter a week, as I feel that is a realistic goal for me for now. I have a few recipients in mind so far, but I am always looking for more pen pals. If you miss me, feel like it's been too long since we caught up, or you just like receiving mail that isn't bills or fast food coupons, send me your address and I will send you a letter. You can pick a topic too if you like. Or, send me one and I will respond. I think it will be great fun. Join me.

Bees

When I was a little girl, my Dad used to take me on what I called "Nature Walks" where he would point out different flora and fauna and teach me their names. If we saw a plant or a bird we didn't know the name of, we would go home and look it up in one of the three awesome photo reference books he had. I also remember his fantastic garden, his bird feeder, and his bees.

 I don't know how many years he had the bees after I was born, but I still remember him in his beekeeping suit, with the wide netted hat. I remember the buzzing white boxes in the back yard, and somehow I don't ever remember being stung. I remember our clay honey pot, it had one of those twirly yellow honey sticks in it. I would twirl the amber liquid and then let it drip, drip, drip, slowly back into the pot, over and over. It was so sweet and aromatic. 

 Eventually, he had some complaints from neighbours about the bees and had to get rid of his hives, which is a real shame. We needed bees then and we need them now. I recently asked my Dad for some firsthand beekeeper information for an article I was writing. What he gave me was so interesting and showed such passion for our little winged friends, that I thought I would share it.

 "There are about seven species of honey bees, but the most important species is apis mellifera, they are the main domesticated honey bee. It is thought to have originated in southeast Asia about 34 million years ago. It was domesticated and spread all over Asia, Europe and Africa in ancient times. The first recorded history of human domestication is in Egypt some 4-5 thousand years ago.

Today honey bees are an essential part of the food production industry and valued for bee products including wax, propolis, pollen and of course delicious honey. Bees in domesticated hives pollinate 35% of the food that we eat. Two thirds of hives are used primarily for pollination, about  two million in North America. In the wild they are a critical part of ecological well being. It is estimated that if honey bees perished, we would suffer a world wide famine.
Currently, honey bees are being threatened, dying in unprecedented numbers due to causes that are not fully understood. Importantly insecticides are likely a factor.   
All of bee products have a gorgeous colouring and a wonderful nectar enhanced aroma. Commercial honey has traditionally been pasteurized robbing it of it's aroma and destroying some of it's flavour and nutrition. Fortunately, there is some honey that is not pasteurized these days.   
Beeswax has a very pleasing aroma that is stronger in a burning beeswax candle. Beeswax candles are thought to have a cleansing effect in the air by producing negative ions. Beeswax is a renewable resource unlike parafin used for candles, which comes from fossil fuels. Beeswax burns more cleanly and burns completely leaving no residue.
Bees produce wax from honey. Specially assigned worker bees ingest honey and hang for many hours to metabolize the wax and secret it out of glands in their abdomens. Beekeepers cut the wax on the top of the honeycomb to extract the honey. They collect this wax to sell for candles and many other beeswax product such as for polishes and cosmetics.
As a part-time beekeeper for about ten years, I have an unadulterated adoration and respect for honey bees.Working with them gave me many, many hours of pleasure and harmony. One of my joys was sitting beside a hive on a warm sunny day watching the "busy" bees come and go from the hive entrance in a steady stream. They make an intriguing and graceful pattern. Not so graceful at landing as they plop down unceremoniously, often bouncing.The aroma beside a hive is intoxicatingly sweet and fragrant with the scent  of flora nectar. It is very much like the aroma from our cottonwood poplar trees here in the spring and sometimes on hot summer days." -Charles Myers
I hope that we can all garner a little of the adoration for bees that my Father has so that more resources are put towards ensuring that these integral black and yellow pollinators are not lost to us forever. 

Visitors

We are totally and utterly surrounded by trees. The birds are singing, the sun is blazing down on our patio, wafting the aroma of hot, dry, cedar into the air. The early risers are content in their deck chairs with a book or a journal just taking in the moments of silence and reflection that they find in a place that can only be described as a haven. This is how my visiting friends, Jen, Carla, and Amber, and I start the day on a Saturday morning at my tiny mountainside home.

Living on an Island, at least a Gulf Island such as Salt Spring, is a world away for our visitors from the city. Although they grew up in smaller towns, now living in Vancouver they find their everydays are much more hustle and bustle. I can see all of them visibly relax as soon as they reach our cherished soil. I gave up my city lifestyle almost two years ago now, and even though I may miss some of the amenities the city has to offer, it is nothing compared to what I have gained by existing in the midst of a more natural landscape. Here, my soul can truly thrive.

When I am blessed with the presence of my closest friends, I can't wait to share with them everything my chosen lifestyle has become. Taking them through the forest that is our backyard, there are several exclamations of how lucky I am. I certainly don't take my little piece of paradise for granted. I am proud to point out the area where we want to have a greenhouse someday, tour the paths that we hike on, see the almost fairyland-like sunlight that filters through the evergreens. We talk about the future, where my kids will play, how we'll build an awesome treehouse for their adventures, and how excited we all will be to have their families visit and camp out in our yard. Throughout the weekend, wildlife dazzles us and we see rabbits, deer, frogs, salamanders, eagles, and all matters of other birds. And of course our cats run freely in and out of the house, harassing my guests with their playful antics.

On this particular visit, we visited our legendary Saturday Market in the morning. From one end to the other, the girls and I treated our eyes, ears, and mouths to the offerings of our humble Island merchants. I was stopped by several old friends to reconnect and make plans to meet up in the future. We sampled food vendor wares and went home with a truffle goat cheese from Salt Spring Island cheese and a bushel of fresh veggies from local farms to accompany the locally caught spring salmon we had purchased for dinner. Our visits are often just as focused on the food as the company.

We were able to explore the North end of the Island abreast scooters that my partner has recently invested in as rentals. We spent several hours on the winding roads going past lakes, ocean, farmland, and making use of our peppy horns. It was wonderful to coast through the warm summer air and feel the cool ocean breeze, full of the unadulterated scents of seaweed, summer, and arbutus.

Sunday is met with another hot sunny morning, and we celebrate it with sunscreen and a trip to a nearby lake. The cool mountain water is an unparalleled refreshment on our sun-kissed bodies. When too many neighbors get the same idea, we retire to our front lawn, lying on blankets in the shade of the wide leafed maple and letting the heat of the afternoon wash over us. The weekends here always seem to come to a close too often, and the girls reluctantly pack their things to go. As they proclaim how much they would love to stay longer, I am grateful that my stay is indefinite and overwhelmed with how fortunate I am.

I will not pretend that I don't miss being in Vancouver with them and we have wonderful visits there as well. When we are together here though, our time is focused in a way that it can be only when we are away from the distractions of a busy city life. There isn't the next coolest restaurant, or a big-name concert that we are worried about missing, so we can all slow down a little and make room for sharing what is truly on our minds. We have deep conversations about topics varied from politics to human rights to self-development and love. I have been told before that I am one of few people that asks my friends about the happiness of their souls, and I really do believe in making time to feed your soul what nurtures it. I am so pleased that I can offer these beautiful lights in my life an Island getaway where they can reflect in peace, connect to nature, and escape any stresses that can't follow them across the water.

Below, see a little testimony by Jen about her time with us.

"SSI is a West Coast gem. Every time I visit, I'm engulfed by gratitude and thoughts of abandoning it all for the island life. I'm blessed to be a part of a lucky crew of amazing people who have a home away from home on the island. From the moment we arrive, Emily and Nick hustle to provide us with an unforgettable getaway.Their home is a cozy nook surrounded by all of the senses that only nature can provide - the scent, silence and comfort of the surrounding forest that leaves you feeling completely at ease. Ravens do their best to interrupt the serenity but honestly, they 'ain't got nothing on the sirens of the city. The highlight of our most recent trip was cruising around the island on scooters - sailing though windy, vacant roads with the sea at our side and honking like maniacs as an anthem testament to our newly solidified "scooter gang". A close second was a visit to the Salt Spring Island Market - everything that's there is local and the place is buzzing with community. Local or not, it really doesn't matter. You feel welcome and excited to be treated to a piece of what makes the island tick. When we're not busy eating, drinking, chatting, lounging, you'll find us playing badminton or bocce, shooting guns at cans, hot tubbing, boating, hiking ... my goodness, the list goes on. But best of all, we are surrounding by a group of friends so solid you're proud to call them family. We. Are. So. Blessed."


Why Haven't You Started Saving?

I find that people of all ages, but more often younger people, often take on a complacent mentality around saving, and don't recognize how important it is to start as soon as possible. There are common excuses like "I can't afford it," "It's too early to start saving for school/a house/retirement," or "I don't really have anything to save for right now." Well, let me dispel those myths right now: if you have the luxury of a computer or smart phone, (meaning you are reading this right now) then obviously you can afford it; it's never too early, I started when I was sixteen; and there is always something to save for, because you have no idea what is around the next corner.

I find that the curriculum that our public school system has put together leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to teaching financial management. How many young University students have you heard of who rack up too much credit card debt without understanding the consequences? Or young couples who are looking at buying their first home and have no idea how to finance it? And how many high school grads do you think understand how to file their taxes solo? That is perhaps for another conversation...

What I want you to do is consider what you can do right now to make a difference in your financial present and future. May I suggest beginning with the below options:

1. Make saving goals. Before you even start putting money away, it is good to know what you are saving for. Are you saving for post-secondary education? Your first house? A round-the-world adventure? Or just for a rainy day? This helps put things in perspective and gives you some accountability to that savings account.

2. Make an appointment. You may not know what saving product is right for you. Unless you can spout off the full titles of acronyms like TFSA, RRSP, DISA, and GIC, and know all the ins and outs of managing your own investment portfolio, you probably need some help. Sit down with someone you feel comfortable with who can answer your questions. A Financial Service rep at your local bank branch is usually an easy place to start. They will have the experience and the resources to determine what type of saving is right for you. Do be wary of those advisers that push too much though. They are there to help, but also to make their targets, and you want what's right for you, not what's right for their weekly numbers. (Biased hint: start with a TFSA. They are the easiest to contribute to and withdraw from without tax consequences and good for shorter term goals, like buying a car or paying tuition. But that is just the opinion of one person who had a very short lived banking career. I really prefer writing.)

3. Be realistic about what you can regularly set aside. It is usually easiest to budget on a monthly basis. So determine what your monthly expenses are, and based on your current income, what difference is left over. The link below to the CIBC Budget Calculator is an easy way to do this calculation. Even if that number looks small, you could probably cut out a few extraneous expenses every week and find a little excess to put away each month. Many savings accounts have minimums of only $25-$50/month, and even at that rate, whatever you set aside will be more than cobwebs and dust bunnies.

4. Keep track of your expenses. Too often I hear people say "I rarely check my bank statements" or " I have no idea how much I spend on food/gas/shopping every month." Not paying attention to what you're spending could be the first step to going into more debt than you can handle, especially if you are using credit cards. Debt is not a bad thing, it's too much of the wrong debt that is dangerous. Start taking note of what you are spending and make a budget for what you should be spending, at least for your main expenses like your rent, phone, and food. Make a habit of checking your bank account on a regular basis. Most banks have apps for that, making getting your financial updates simple and accessible. Cut out unnecessary expenses as well. Are there any monthly subscriptions or memberships that you aren't using that you could cancel? Have you been eating out too much? Small changes could yield much bigger savings than you may have known are there. 

5. Make better habits. We would all love to live the fast and hard lifestyle, but it can really add up. Those daily vices like the $4 lattes and eating out for over 50% of your meals in a week is draining on your bank account (not to mention your health). So are those "harmless" window shopping trips that end in a frenzy of impulse purchases. Managing your money goes hand in hand with managing your lifestyle. Beware of getting caught up in living beyond your means, because that lack of means will catch up to you. And if you are staying within your financial league, think of what you could do with extra savings just by changing a few habits. For example, a $4 coffee 5x/week for an entire year is $960. That's a decent chunk of cash that could be set aside for something that will enhance your life for longer than a caffeine buzz. So, get yourself a coffee maker and a cookbook, carve out a little more time for your meal planning and a little less time for binge purchases, and put that $20/week into a piggy bank.

6. Educate yourself. Read articles like this and strike up conversations with your mentors about finances. People shy away from talking about money, as it can be a very private topic that is psychologically linked with how we perceive our worth, but you can miss out on invaluable lessons from business owners, professionals in the finance field, and even your peers. Utilize the tools out there that are provided by financial institutions, like CIBC's Retirement Calculator, or the BMO Mortgage calculator (see links below). Most big banks have online resources like this to help put into perspective how important it is to save for those big goals, starting now.
CIBC Retirement Calculator

BMO Mortgage Calculator


An Experiment in Almost Vegan Eating

It was January 2015, a new year. The beginning of new years, despite the arbitrary way we track time, seems to induce a plethora of new trends and commitments. Not in my world is this a common occurrence. 2015 was different though. Coming into the holidays, I was getting tired of the monotonous cycle of recipes I had fallen into and was looking for something different. I reminisced about stories my Dad told me about his vegetarian days and figured it was high time I gave it a try. I often go through periods where I am averse to all meat and more than that, I was hungry to up my vegetarian recipe repertoire above pasta and salad. 

After convincing my other half, Nick, to join in with me, we eagerly awaited New Years Day. The first thing I did was put vegan recipe blogger Angela Liddon's Oh She Glows cookbook on my Christmas Wish List. My annual BFF Secret Santa delivered and I was armed with a bundle of recipes and a beautiful teal Le Cruset baking dish. 

The next step was education. For the first time ever, I actually sat down and read all of the extra bits and pieces in a cookbook. Angela details all the things you will need to prepare your vegan pantry, and why she uses, or doesn't use, common substitutes. I set out to get raw cashews, coconut oil, hemp hearts, and a number of other nuts and spices I wasn't stocked in. There was no need to shop for nutritional yeast as we always have a healthy amount at home for our popcorn (if you haven't tried that yet, do it, best thing ever). 

Then came time to pick our first few recipes. I found that with my new focus on our diet, I was more inclined to do weekly meal planning, usually only doing one big Sunday grocery shop, and maybe one smaller weekday trip for fresh produce. This saved us time and money, as I was less tempted to impulse shop many times a week and would plan meals that shared ingredients. Plus, it was a big stress off our minds as every day we didn't have to worry about coming up with something for dinner. This habit has stuck with me, and the weeks I don't do it, I am often lost for what to make at the end of a busy work day and annoyed at myself for making so many trips to the grocery store.

I approached each new recipe with trepidation, especially the ones that involved a technique or ingredient I had never worked with. I have to soak my cashews? What do you mean that ground flax seed and water is my egg replacement?

The best surprise: everything was delicious and filling! Not only for me, for Nick too, which was the surest measurement that I was on the right track. I was banging out hit after hit and we didn't seem to miss the regular meat portion of our meals at all. We found new life in big mushrooms, smoked tofu, and flavourful soups made ever so creamy with the addition of blended cashews. We also started to have smoothies every morning for breakfast instead of our usual eggs, and we both feel it starts us off feeling great. And it's so easy!

January and its plantarian menu came and went. We ate mostly vegan, throwing in a scrambled egg breakfast here and there because we already had the eggs and breaking a few rules when we were over as company. Here we are now, months later, with several lasting lessons and habits. My best take away from the experiment is the knowledge I now have in my culinary tool belt, that allows me to create easy, well flavoured meals from the vegetables in my fridge, (and hopefully someday our garden!). Just the other day I went home with no meal plan and conjured up some delicious black bean patties that we ate happily for dinner and lunch for two days. Nick has got into the spirit of things as well. Already a lover of cooking and good food, he whipped up some pretty amazing cashew pesto for us to smother our spaghetti squash in, which I have requested he re-make again several times since.

We also feel better! We are big food lovers and both of us find that even after eating too much, we feel less bloated, less unsettled, and the feeling of being stuffed doesn't follow us to the next day. We do incorporate meat into our diet occasionally now, mostly seafood, so when we do have those heavier meals with meat and cheese, we notice a big difference in how our bodies process things. 

If you love dairy, nuts are your new best friend. I use almond milk most commonly for tea and smoothies, and to add creaminess to any recipe, blending up a bowl of soaked, raw cashews does wonders you can't imagine. Although, so far I have not discovered anything that can beat real cheese. That is a struggle I'll just have to live with. Cheese is my gateway drug. I mostly just try not to have it in the house. 

We noticed we make way less garbage now too. I think this is partly a lucky coincidence, but the biggest factor is no longer disposing of soiled plastic wrap and non-recyclable styrofoam containers from meat that jam up our little can. We also have a rocking recycling shed with six big blue bins that makes that whole process pretty smooth.

I would have to say my biggest challenge is keeping lunch interesting, filling, and not too complicated. Despite our love of salads, it does get old if you eat one every day, especially when you are used to having meaty sandwiches that you can change up easily. This is most often the meal we splurge on, which is really only every couple weeks, and grab sushi or a burrito the size of a small child from the Mexican food truck. Mostly we try to bring leftovers, salads, and good snacks like prunes and hummus to keep us going.

My biggest challenge still to conquer: vegan baking. I have attempted a few recipes, brownies and banana bread. The first turned out decently, but not nearly as moist and satisfying as when made with eggs and butter instead of flax. The latter I could have used as a door stop, and that was about it. I will soldier on though, and in the meantime, continue to enjoy the benefits of a plant-centric diet.


A few of my Oh She Glows faves:

-Portobello "Steak" Fajitas, cookbook
-10 Spice soup, cookbook
-Hot Nacho dip, cookbook



Intervals

A long time goal of mine is to learn to play the guitar, so this past November, I decided to do something about it. I got myself a beautiful Yamaha acoustic (her name is Roxy) and I have been going for lessons once a week ever since. When I started, I couldn't read music (still working on that one), didn't know how to put a chord together, and couldn't tune a guitar to save my life. I am still mostly just making noise, with a few pretty melodies thrown in, but I feel less and less awkward with the instrument every week. I can't wait to progress to a point where I can just sit back on my deck and jam.

One week, I learned about Intervals, which simply put, is the difference between pitches in a scale. I won't try to define it any more than that, as I'm sure I would get something technically wrong. So, here I was, studying thirteen different intervals. My task was to play them all and listen to the consonance and dissonance of each one and describe the emotion that they represented. I played each of them over and over (I thank my boyfriend for his patience), listening intently. The writer in me was inspired, and instead of picking just one or two emotions, I wrote a stanza for each of them.


Unison is straight forward, is whole,
Roots hold it steady, no secrets unfold,

Minor 2nd is ominous, is terrifying, is cruel,
Jaws of temptation, will catch off guard a fool,

Major 2nd is awakening, the first light of a dawn,
A whisper and wonder, if something is wrong,

Minor 3rd is depression, a gasp and a fall,
The point in a story, when the hero is stalled,

Major 3rd is a folk song, warm like a fire,
A catchy hit single, coaxed out of a wire,

Perfect 4th is a chameleon, and depending on three,
Uncovers a realm, of endless possibility,

Diminished 5th is a trickster, a shock and a frown,
When you've taken a stumble, and keep falling down,

Perfect 5th is a leader, its always around,
A calling, a summons, like a soldier would sound,

Minor 6th is a question, asked in the dark,
Its awkward, its messy, it might leave a mark,

Major 6th is a twinkle, a smile, and a look,
Its bright and its cheery, you're staring, you're hooked,

Minor 7th is edgy, suspicious, and sly,
A door you can't open, and you've got to know why,

Major 7th is uncertain, like it needs one more beat,
To decide if its scary, or if it is sweet,

Octave is familiar, is comfort, is home,
That place to come back to, when your fingers do roam,

These are the intervals, make them your friends,
Embrace them like family, and your notes know no end.



Desert Island Songs

This post is dedicated to two people: Andrew Williams, who first introduced me to the concept of having a list of Desert Island Songs, and Amir Arani, who has made the biggest individual contribution to my musical inspiration and education thus far in my life. This concept essentially begs the question, if you were marooned on a deserted island, which 5 songs would you wish to have with you? This turned out to be an incredibly difficult question to answer. It really begs more questions than answers.

 What kind of songs would I like? Would it be smarter to have more inspirational songs? Would I want songs with lyrics or without? Would they all have to be songs I could sing and/or dance to? What would be most comforting if I was all alone?

I started my list, and realized I just couldn't get it down to five songs, so I detailed my top 5, but I couldn't leave the rest off the post. I figured that whomever marooned me on this imaginary island could at least let me mention them.
My Desert Island Songs 

Hauntingly beautiful, and has always been one of the songs I imagined myself first learning on guitar, which I am happy to say is becoming a slow reality thanks to my wonderful guitar teacher Ray Holroyd.  It's got great lyrics, it's got a simple, memorable melody, and it is something that I can listen to over and over. I feel like "Take me to the place I love" would be a comforting mantra to help focus on getting yourself off your lonesome little island.

I just love to sing this song. It's in the perfect range for my voice, it has a languid, reggae-punk melody, and my fingers itch to play it on guitar. Musically, I connect with it on many levels. It's also a throwback number for me. When I was 14, I could probably sing Sublime's self-titled album and 40oz To Freedom all the way through. It reminds me of carefree, barefoot summer days, my first parties, and that phase of teenage angst where it seems that there is always something to worry about, even though you have almost no responsibilities besides homework and chores. I feel like that would be a good reminder to be grateful if marooned on an island where my main concern would simply be staying alive.

Freaks and Geeks, Childish Gambino
This song has undeniable swagger and an amazing beat. Gambino is also such a brilliant lyricist, this song inspires me to write. There are so many word plays in his music, I feel like he doesn't get enough credit for their complexity. It is also one of the only rap songs I can sing all the way through and probably my top pick if I were to ever gather enough nerve to do Hip Hop karaoke at Fortune in Vancouver. Being deserted on an island would certainly give me time to practice my performance.

This song has extreme nostalgic value to me. It is a song of the 90s, and it played a lot around the time when I was first aware that boys existed in a way that didn't annoy me. It is also a great sultry dance jam, and if you're going to keep your spirits up alone on an island, you're going to need a track you can "work it" to.

Strobe - Deadmau5
I'll be honest, I struggled with what song I should round off my top 5 with. I knew I needed something electronic, but picking a favourite is quite impossible. I picked Strobe for several reasons: 1) Deadmau5 is the first electronic artist I can remember really loving, so I like the idea that I would have him with me on my island. I remember the first time I heard this song, I was at my first Deadmau5 concert during the 2010 Olympics, after I waited for 6 hours to get in to see him perform. It was worth it. 2) It's got a slow build, that leads inevitably into a series of mastered beats and melodies, that you can use to pump up a crowd, and at the same time focus them, centre them, calm them. It's like the Little Black Dress of electro, depending on how you dress it up, it is good for anything. 3) This is the song that me and some of the most important people in my life put on when we are lying on the deck of a secluded cabin getaway, at 2am on a clear night, and we just want to take time to appreciate the beauty of the stars, the music, and our existence in general. 

What would your Desert Island Songs be and why?? I want to know!


These are my Honorable Mentions if I could have as many songs as I want, which really has morphed into a really long list of my favourite songs. My dance jams, my guilty pleasures, and everything in between. There is no way I could think of them all at once, so be prepared for me to be adding to this constantly and let me know great hits that I've missed!

 -Burn - Ellie Goulding
-Hypnotize - Biggie
-Everlong - Foo Fighters
-Wonderwall - Oasis
-Hysteria - Muse
-Not Afraid - Eminem
-The Longest Text Message - Childish Gambino
-Heartbeat - Childish Gambino
-Otherside - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
-Call it Off - Drake
-No One - Alicia Keys
-Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith
-Remedy - Zedd
-Clarity - Zedd
-Summer - Calvin Harris
-Mirrors - JT
-Same Love - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
-Kick Out the Epic Motherfucker - Dada Life
-Epic - Sandro Silva and Quintino
-Adorn - Miguel 
-You Used to Hold Me - Calvin Harris
-Beat It - Michael Jackson
-Let's Go - Porter Robinson
-4 Seasons - Vivaldi 
-Titanium - David Guetta ft. Sia
-We'll Be Coming Back - Calvin Harris ft. Example
-Outside - Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding
-I Am a Highway - Audioslave
-Like a Stone - Audioslave
-Stole the Show - Kygo
-Uptown Funk - Bruno Mars
-Thrift Shop - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
-Shoop - Salt N' Pepa
-One - Swedish House Mafia
-Greyhound - Swedish House Mafia
-Don't you Worry Child - Swedish House Mafia
-You Could Be the One - Avicii
-Sugar - Maroon 5
-Maps - Maroon 5
-Payphone - Maroon 5
-Beauty and a Beat - Justin Bieber
-All Of You - John Legend
-Give Me Love - Ed Sheeran
-Fever - Peggy Lee
-Stolen Dance - Milky Chance
-Wish You Were Here - Lee Fields
-100 Yard Dash - Raphael Saadiq
-The World - Charles Bradley
-The Drugs Don't Work - Ben Harper
-As many 2 Cellos and Pentatonix covers as possible
-The Drugs - The Hold Up
-Lay Me Down - The Dirty Heads
-Ghostwriter - RJD2
-Breakeven - The Script
-A Little Party Never Killed Nobody - Fergie, Q-tip & Goonrock
-Wicked Game - Three Days Grace
-Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
-Toulouse - Nicky Romero
-Too Close - Alex Clare
-Summertime Saddness - Lana Del Ray
-Rolling in the Deep - Adele
-Disparate Youth - Santigold
-Spaceman - Hardwell
-Bangarang - Skrillex
-Can't Hold Us - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
-Feel It In My Bones - Tiesto ft. Tegan and Sara
-Midnight City - M83
-Fuckin' Problem - 2Chainz, Drake, Kendrick Lamar, A$AP Rocky
-Thriller - Michael Jackson
-Loud Pipes - Ratatat
-Old Pine - Ben Howard
-Shooting Stars - Bag Raiders
-Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood
-Daylight - Matt & Kim
-All About You - Classified
-Dilemma - Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland
-Get Lucky - Daft Punk ft. Pharell
-Californication - Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Otherside -  Red Hot Chili Peppers
-The Sun - Maroon 5
-Can't Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers
-By The Way - Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Scar Tissue - Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
-One More Night - Maroon 5
-California Love - 2Pac ft. Dr. Dre
-Gangsters Paradise - Coolio ft. L.V.
-Over My head - The Fray
-Fire in Your New Shoes - Dragonette
-The A Team - Ed Sheeran
-Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen
-I Remember - Deadmau5
-Ghosts N' Stuff - Deadmau5
-House of Cards - Radiohead
-Stereo Love - Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina
-Ignition - R Kelly
-Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen
-Thinking Bout You - Frank Ocean
-Sail - Awolnation


What are the first questions you ask someone when you meet them?

When you first meet someone, there's that moment after you learn their name (and in some cases forget it immediately) where your brain goes "What do I say now?" and it usually proceeds through a list of acceptable questions. Have you ever noticed that "What do you do?" is one of the first questions you ask someone? It's almost as if we're saying that what we do for work is what defines us, gives us more value than anything else you could learn about someone. If you really are honest about yourself, the answer to that question might weigh on how we will interact with this person going forward. 

It also could be that we hide behind the familiarity of basic factual questions, because we are scared that if we ask total strangers things like "What really gets you out of bed in the morning?" they might think we're weird or nosey or, they may even give us a real answer like, "Actually, I've struggled with depression for most of my life, so some days, nothing can get me out of bed." Can you imagine though, what amazing conversations could be sparked by something like that? We could create way more space for discussions about our passions and goals and what really gives us a feeling of self-worth and confidence. What if some of the first questions we asked each other were more like this:
  • What has inspired you lately? 
  • What was the last thing you did that made you feel really proud of yourself?
  • What is a goal you are working on?
  • If your closest friends were asked to describe you, what would they say? 
  • What is one of the best pieces of advice you have ever gotten?
  • What's something you've always wanted to do, but you're afraid to try?
  • What makes you happy?
  • Describe your perfect day.
There are people out there who do what they love for a living and spend every day working on something that they are passionate about. I hope to be one of those people some day. I am sure that if you asked them some of the above questions, their work would play a big part in their answers. Shouldn't we give each other a choice though, to define ourselves by what really matters to us? Even if  "What do you do?" is still one of the first questions asked, shouldn't we be comfortable answering with something like "Well, currently I work at a big tech company, but what I really want to do is start a not-for-profit day care focusing on impoverished families where they can come to have their children cared for, and also meet with other parents to find friendship, support, and solutions." What if you said that and the person you were talking to knew someone who could help you achieve that? Wouldn't that be amazing?! Or even an answer like "I listen to my friends and family when they need me, I like to read for hours on my deck in the summer, and I challenge myself to make one new recipe a week." What if that was just normal? I feel like we would have much more inspiring, informative, and interesting conversations. We would have closer friendships, discover more creative business ventures, and I honestly think dating would be easier.

If we re-define what it looks like to meet people and talk to people and be open with people, I think we would achieve higher levels of happiness and self-esteem collectively in our communities. I think, we can change what we value and what we really want to know about each other by what we ask, and by being willing to answer. What would you want people to ask you? 

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."

When you're presented with an opportunity and you get out that old yellow legal pad to make your trusty Pro/Con list, it makes you start to wonder what this change could really bring about in your life.  Many times, I linger on the question "What's the worst that can happen?" so I can determine if the risk of this going terribly wrong is worth it going amazingly well.

 But I really think about it...for me, my biggest fear is failure, especially in my career. I figure there is no personal issue so great that I can't persevere, but my work really scares me. Don't ask me why, that's for a therapist to answer for me someday. The problem is, I am always  psyching myself out before I even try something because I'm convinced I can't do it. Accountability, responsibility, success, are all buzz words that could easily strike panic into the hearts of young men and women alike who are starting out in the work force. My train of thought when I am staring a new opportunity in the face generally goes something like this: 

"Wow, this is really amazing. This could really be a huge opportunity to show the world what I'm made of....or it could be a horrible catastrophe...I could be terrible at it...I could get fired and everyone will know and then no one will ever hire me again and then I will be broke and homeless and I could DIE!"

A little extreme maybe? Definitely. To any sane person, this of course sounds totally backwards. Years of anxiety competing against my peers for a higher GPA, a better presentation, a more prestigious job opportunity has created a negative thought pattern for me that turned my drive to do my best work, into a tiny little voice that tells me I'm not good enough yet, and taking a new step could result in me falling on my face. So when the anxiety takes over and I start to doubt myself, I take a deep breath and try to think about the following:

1. "Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."
This is one of my all-time quotes to live by, because really, fear is the number one thing that holds us back. Whatever it is that puts that stomach churning, voice quenching, feet halting fear into you that makes you want to say no or to hide or to avoid going out of your comfort zone, it's not real, it is something we have created. Easier said than done to shift our perspective on what fear is though. I can't tell you how much this kind of fear has held me back at times. I am lucky that I had some great role models who were not afraid to point that out to me and helped me to progress past some of my fear (I still have a long way to go!) and want to overcome it more than let it hold me back.

2. If you haven't done it before, do it.
If you constantly use "...but I've never done that before," as a reason not to take opportunities, you'll never do anything new. Don't be scared of taking on new responsibilities and tasks, even positions in industries you have never worked in before. You can learn anything new you set your mind to, what can't be taught is the courage to take on that new adventure and persevere.

3. Failure isn't losing.
You are the one who gets to define your failures. Just because your business venture doesn't work out, or you get passed over for a promotion, or (gasp!) fired, doesn't mean you're not going to succeed in the future. Every experience teaches you something that you can bring into your next step.
One of my favorite examples of this lesson is in Steve Jobs' commencement speech to Stanford University graduates of 2005.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc


Something I've noticed is that so many of the things that make us afraid are things that are so worth doing. There is usually a far deep seeded reason that causes us to shake a little with the thought of diving head first into something. Maybe we doubt our ability to achieve all we're capable, or we're worried our choice will be the wrong one. What I really want myself, and everyone else to believe, is that no matter what, it is going to be OK, because we won't let it go any other way. We have to remember how tough we are. Don't let being scared keep you from living life to the fullest. Career choices aside, I have also let this fear make me doubt my ability to withstand the pain of a tattoo, to Skydive out of a tiny plane in the Swiss Alps, and to take guitar lessons. I happily won out over fear in each of these scenarios, and they definitely have all made my life fuller. Take that, Fear.




That Power

"This isn't a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I'm not saying this thing is true or not, I'm just saying it's what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it for everybody, always. Everybody can't turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them." 

-That Power, Childish Gambino

The rapper Childish Gambino, whose given name is Donald Glover, is the author of these words. He is one of my favourite writers and musicians for so many reasons, being a brilliant lyricist among them. These words are actually part of a story he tells in the latter third of the song. It is essentially about him sharing something private with someone, and they then in turn, share it with people who would use it against him, to demean and belittle. Especially as a young person, this is a hard lesson to go through. The rest of the song has a slightly different tone to it, but these particular lines resonated with me.

I started journaling when I was 10 years old, and I transcribed my thoughts, feelings, and experiences fairly regularly until I was about twenty-two. Over those twelve years, I had people secretly read my journals and use the information they found against me. My step-mother used it to punish me, my brother used it to tease me, a partner to shame me. From this, I learned a different lesson: that sharing myself made me vulnerable. That by letting my inner most secrets and thoughts be discovered, I was opening cracks in my armour that I used to shield myself against the hurtful words and judgments of the world. I felt like this made me weak, that being honest about the darkness that hid in my innermost corners wasn't welcome. I can't say this really changed my personality much, as I have always been told that I am more open than some, but it perhaps changed what I was open about. I tried my best not to give up too much that could be used to hurt me, whether with direct torment, or by my own fear of rejection.

This is a lesson that I wish I had not learned, nor do I wish that anyone learns. I feel these types of lessons are what start to strip us of that childlike ability to go forth into the world with nothing but our dreams. We hopefully haven't discovered what cruel judgement is yet, and we don't know how to be any other way but what shows up in our heads. I'm not saying it isn't important for us to learn morals, and manners and such. It would just be wonderful if as adults, we could keep that mix of imagination and self-worth that makes us feel like we can do whatever and be whomever we want and not be shamed for it.

I stopped journaling at some point, even after I lived alone and there was no one there to go through my bedside table and taint my entries with their eyes. I have always wondered why. Why did I abandon this form of self-expression that I had held so dear for so long? Why didn't I still have that urge to pummel the pages with ink in the form of my inner monologue? This question has plagued me.

I am starting to think I may understand the reason. Part of it is definitely that I have found other ways to feed my writer's urges. I am hoping though, that the main reason is that I have learned that being vulnerable doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong. That loving yourself so much and finding a level of confidence that allows you to share yourself and your ideas and your passions without fear of rejection and shame, is actually a level of strength that repels all the negative judgement they can throw at you. As Childish Gambino says, you make everything for everybody, and then nobody can use it against you. Stand for who you are and your choices and your values. I'm not saying I have mastered this, that I am impenetrable, just that I have reached a point where I understand this concept and try to practice it as best I can.

Fear of rejection I find is what drives back this feeling the most. Rejection doesn't have to be something that always means you are being told you aren't good enough though (although I admit, that I personally have a very hard time re-framing that). It can be an open space to learn something new about yourself, and become a more rounded person. It can teach you empathy, which is definitely something this world could use more of. It could even open doors to even better opportunities.

I won't even attempt to paraphrase Brene Brown, a self-proclaimed researcher and storyteller, but I do urge you to watch her TED talks on vulnerability and shame. You will learn so much on this topic in a very short time. Plus, she is hilarious. She is also an accomplished author, and while I find myself having shudder inducing University flashbacks when I read non-fiction, I am excited to get ahold of her titles and learn more from her.

I guess what I am getting at is that I want to encourage everyone to find that power inside of them, and harness it to propel you forward, so you can really share what it is about you that is unique and bond with others over what you find compatible. And maybe, eventually you can turn to those who are choosing to attack the chinks in your armour with malicious words and ask them what it is inside of them that they are afraid of, that makes them lash out.

I think one of the biggest compliments I have ever received was from my youngest sister. She told me that seeing my partner and I together taught her that she needs to learn to open her heart, because you never know who is trying to open their heart up to you. Live into your vulnerability, you never know what you could make space for by being open with yourself.

* That Power, Childish Gambino, full song here

* The Power of Vulnerability, Brene Brown, TED talk here
* Listening to Shame, Brene Brown, TED talk here
 

Q: My partner and I have been together since I was 18. I have never really had time on my own to feel totally independent, and I feel that is important, and I still love them. I can't decide if I should take time apart or stay together. What should I do?

 I think your head may be somewhere about here: that much the same as any person that has never had that time in their life to be completely free and answer to no one, you are terrified that if you get out there, it won't be all it's cracked up to be. That you'll be lonely, and yearn for that person that you let go, and that you might never again find a connection as strong, and it will be too late to get them back.

 The thing about that is that it's not as bad as it seems it might be. Yes, you have the days that you cry yourself to sleep listening to Sarah McLachlan, and you think nothing is going to complete you but finding an intimate partner. It is from those moments you find an incredible strength that only comes from being dependent solely on yourself. There is nothing more empowering or freeing. As I have heard from many people who were married very young and had similar feelings in their youth, that gnawing feeling that you want to live with wild abandon and prove you can make it on your own, never goes away if you don't feed it.

 Even people who have taken that independent period and felt ready to move past it, likely still feel its shadow in the back of their mind at times. If you are in a nurturing, respectful relationship where you both truly wish to see each other grow, in whatever way you can, perhaps this need can be satiated. I personally did make the choice to leave my first young love and take that time on my own, so I can't speak to that path. 

 The answer though, can't really be any definite answer at all. No one can tell you what to do or what is right. You are the one who must pull yourself from limbo and go forth boldly into a decision. That is when you really connect with that inner strength.

 Once you have made a decision, that feeling of uncertainty likely won't go away for quite some time, even after you have made a choice, no matter what you do. It clings on, and learning how to grow stronger than it and not letting it make you live in guilt or doubt, is how you become stronger for the next big decision. The trick is, that whatever you choose once you abandon fear, will be the right choice, because you made it for yourself, no one else.

Letters To My Sister

When my youngest sister turned 19, I wrote her 15 sealed letters, and put them in a box. They each had a label like "Open when you are crying," "Open when you need to remember how beautiful you are," "Open when you are scared," or "Open when you are making a tough decision." Each had words that would hopefully guide her through whatever it was she needed support in, and lead her to a solution, or at least offer some comfort. When I started writing them, they took on a life of their own and became more than I expected them to be. I was actually proud of them. Luckily, I had written draft copies of all of them so I could have the right words for the final letters. Below, are the two letters that would ultimately start and finish the series. The labels on them note opening at a specific age, but I had a friend point out that they really could be suited for anyone, anywhere, looking for a little direction.
Open When You Turn 19

 Nineteen. That age that holds an undeniable mystical quality of independence. Use your new found freedom that society has granted you responsibly and wildly. Remember that age is just a number, and you are the one that decides your own meaning of "coming of age" no matter what a magazine or a rap song or a parent tells you. You are your own, so own it like you never have before. Take risks and abandon fear, for really it was never real at all, just an imagined weight holding down your dreams.

 Make a vision and don't let anyone tell you it's not possible. Share it and inspire everyone you meet to reach higher, whatever their higher is, and climb to the top together. You might slip a few times on the way up, but those scars just show that you're living, not sitting on the sidelines. Admit when you're wrong and take responsibility for your mistakes, which you will undoubtably make, we all do. Just pull a Taylor and Shake It Off.

Most of all, be true to yourself, love your uniqueness, and appreciate those who are genuinely there for you, those boys and girls taking the same zig-zagging highway you're on. Even though the most thrilling feeling of all is learning to throw both your arms up high and let yourself ride free on the roller coaster of life, it is nice to hold someone's hand sometimes.

You already light up every room you walk into, go light up that world.

Open When You Turn 20

Welcome to a new decade!

Now that you're in your twenties, you need to immediately move to a busy city and get an overpriced apartment in a hip neighbourhood. Have several of your best friends move into the same building, preferably across the hall, and make sure someone's brother moves there too so he can drop in often and date your friends.

Wait... I forgot that life is not based on the series of unlikely circumstances in Friends that we have idolized for years. I really just wish I had someone as funny as Chandler around all the time.

Being "in your twenties" always seems to sound like you've entered an age where everything is dripping with possibility, which is sort of true. Often though, that unfortunately seems to translate into a lot of anxiety around what you should do with your life and worrying about checking off the list of things we're "supposed" to do. I say, burn the fucking list and do what makes you happy.

I remember dancing my way into my twenties. In my twenties, I decided that life was too short to give my time to people who didn't bring out the best in me; I started to question the ideals and expectations I was following and started to figure out which ones I actually wanted, and which were part of a formula my Western upbringing had instilled in me; and that I would rather be poor than stay in a job that I wasn't happy in just for a better pay check (that may have been inspired partly by the starving artist living inside me). These lessons and so many more will stay with me forever and shape who I am and how I make decisions.

Your twenties does mean that you need to put your big girl pants on though. It's terrifying and wonderfully liberating to get to that point where you have financial and emotional independence. That doesn't mean you can't ask for help with paying for school, or call home when you are having a crisis, but it's just a feeling you get. Even in those weeks when you only have $17 in the bank to get you to the next paycheque and all you can afford to eat is rice and beans and pancake mix, you feel a little like you could do anything.

If you let it, your twenties will become a tapestry of different personalities and characters. Meet as many different kinds of people as you can. You never know what you could learn from someone totally different from you. You might even discover a passion you didn't know you had. Do be wary of people who get too close too fast, you want to stick to genuine friendships. As Drake would say "Fuck a fake friends where your real friends at?"

In short, your twenties will be a tumultuous mixture of amazing experiences, some that will test you to your very wits end. It's the strong ones that rise from the Phoenix flames of their lowest points and come out a better version of themselves. Spread those wings and fly my dearest, not even the sky is the limit.

Ride

Recently, I tackled my first Spin class, at a spin club in Vancouver called Ride Cycle Club. For those of you who have never attempted this feat, I do urge you to give it a go. I wussed out about going for a really long time, for no good reason, except that I feared I might find it too difficult. I went, I loved it, and I am so happy I did. It was such an experience. that even before I had left the building, the "review" below had already written itself. I did actually send the piece to the club, and got a response from the owner, Ashley. She graciously praised it, saying that it made her day, and asking permission to share it with the ride community. I hope it is enjoyed by others as well, and hope that it inspires you to try spin, and not to be scared to sweat, and to try new things.

 

 

 

Ride

I wake up feeling nervous the way I used to before a track meet when I was a kid. Its not the kind of nervous that I was going to just miss first place by a fraction of a second, it is more the kind of nervous that you might get last or give up and lie down on the grass halfway. But I don't like doing things halfway.

This feeling is what brought me to my first spin class. Well, really it was Amber who invited me, but it was my desperate need to prove I can do almost anything anyone else can that made me agree, despite the crippling fear that I would be exposed as the fraud I am, as I am not as fit as I may appear at the moment.

We agree to meet at the 11am class. Always the keener, I am too early so I loiter outside until it is socially acceptable to go sign in. The first thing that happens is I see JJ Wilson, Chip Wilson's son, so I already know I must be in the coolest spin club in the city, making me feel immediately hipper. The second thing that happens is the front desk girl asks loudly and politely over the crowd and music "Is this your first time?" I've been spotted. My confused Spin Virgin eyes (also the same as the eyes of a meerkat about to be devoured by hyenas) have given me away. My cool factor tanks. I sign the waiver without reading it, as it is flipped over on the clip board so most of it is covered anyways. Standard stuff I am sure.

I get my clip shoes, which thankfully are not foreign to me due to my mountain biker past times. I get a locker and wait on a bench for Amber. She arrives and we take our place at the front, to the right of the instructor. The girl who comes to help us set up our bikes is the girl who took over my old job when I left lululemon. We chat and reminisce, although all I can really think about is that I hope she doesn't tell the team about my eminent fainting and falling off the bike. I like to believe I still have a small amount of street cred to maintain.

The things that make this particular studio special is that the classes are done in the near darkness and they blast dance music at club like volumes. In short, it's awesome. This particular fact is unfortunately not what I am focused on as I hop on to the bike and clip in. There are weights on the bikes, 2lbs on Amber's, 1lbs on mine. She says she wants to find 1lb weights, I offer to trade. She asks if I am sure and I cockily state that I have been lifting weights for 12 years, I'm sure I'll be fine. I take the 2lbs.

Our instructor's name is Ashley, and I find out later she is the owner. She is an impressive little brunette woman who is part Drill Sergeant, part DJ, part Yoga Instructor, and part Cheerleader. She's the kind of girl who you are immediately jealous of but in an admiring way. You feel like you might just absorb some of her energy by being in the same room.

The class begins, I am happy not to be called upon to put up my hand as a noob, as I am sure it is already painfully obvious. It is clear there will not be much sitting down during this class. Thankfully there is a fan behind me, as I am already sweating. Apparently the thing about spinning that no one ever told me is there is a lot of other things you have to do that are not spinning, like pulsing your arms up and down like a push-up. I swear, half the front row pulsed in perfect time to the music the whole class. When we were actually instructed to pulse, I felt like I was between falling flat on my handlebars from exhaustion and feeling so out of beat, that I would stall and my legs would snap straight, throwing me to an awkward stop.

About 15 minutes in, my lungs were burning, I was avoiding turning my resistance up by about a third of what it was supposed to be at, and my sweat towel was my new best friend. I was so happy we were in the dark, which made it acceptable to take your shirt off. At this point I decided that I should have read the waiver, because it probably said stuff like "Not liable for regurgitation of one's lungs" and "In the event that you require a stretcher, you will be responsible for the costs." I was seriously doubting if this was Amber's way of saying she wants to end our friendship, especially during the weights portion. I cursed my overconfidence as the 2lb weights I was raising above my head made me feel weaker by the rep. I seriously considered abandoning them altogether.

The music was nothing short of rave quality. Ashley was talking into a Madonna style headset mic, and counting down our pulses and push-ups over Dubstep remixes of Macklemore and electronically mastered rises and drops. Since my lungs had found their second wind, I gave myself over to the thrilling atmosphere and spun my little heart out. I really could feel it trying to escape my chest by beating so hard.

Normally, when you're in a club at 1:54am and the DJ calls out "This is your last song!" you groan and complain about how our bars should really stay open until 6am the way they do in Europe. When your spin instructor announces this, she becomes someone to be worshiped. It actually does make you want to spin with everything you have left so you leave it all behind on the bike. Your sweat that is. Cue towel.

The pulsing front row pros slow down, the resistance is turned off, and we do some group stretches. Ashley asks us to set an intention that we can go forth from the class with. Mine is that I will practice my spin skills at my gym so I can someday rock one of the coveted front row spots without shame.

As Amber and I exit, I assure her, that as she suspected, it was one of the greatest experiences ever. It is a kind of adrenaline you can't even get from well cooked street drugs. It's like finding a new form of masochistic religion that you have been looking for ever since you realized that Catholicism really doesn't cut it. Plus, it's frowned upon to wear spandex and no shirt to church. Borrrring.

Ride Cycle Club is a must on any fitness junkie's list, and a recommended for anyone ever. I text my boyfriend to inform him that I am still alive and we need to share this experience together ASAP. He enthusiastically says "Shit yeah baby!" I hope he still loves me when I am dragging him out of the class by his sweaty ankle.

You can find all their schedules and club details, here 
 

Blast From The Pre-pubescent Past

When I was ten, I started my first journal, which I kept up pretty steadily for more than 10 years. I still have a current one, but the drive to fill it seems to have worn off. Hmmm...a thought for another day. As far as I can remember, I started writing creative pieces more seriously around twelve. I don't know if it was that my vocabulary reached a point where writing actually became possible on a grander scale, or I figured out that it was my best strategy in dealing with pre-teen anxiety, regardless, that is when my writer's instinct kicked in. I decided to dredge up some of my earliest pieces, to see if I could connect with those young days of literal inspiration. Also, I was curious what my writing would sound like now, to my more adult self. Some pieces were badly constructed, many left unfinished, some were clearly old love letters, but more than anything, it was a confused child trying to sort out what to do with her emotions that seemed to just keep getting more complicated.

 

There was one piece, that I remember being quite fond of, that I felt the need to bring out of my box of old memorabilia and share, especially since it was the first piece I ever shared publicly. 

 

This was actually a "commissioned" piece. When I was in middle school, I was asked to speak at a Remembrance Day ceremony given at a local church. I was excused from class, and I spoke amongst a smattering of adults and musicians. I think I even wore a burgandy velvet dress, which means I must have been twelve. I was asked to come back the year after as well, so I must have done an acceptable job. Here is what came out.

 

WAR

 

War is a thing where people die, people fight, people cry,

 

War is a thing where people leave, people kill, people grieve,

 

War is a thing when every man goes, what will happen, nobody knows,

War is a thing when guns are fired, bombs are dropped, troops are hired,

War is a thing that gets in our way, makes us afraid, so we fear every day,

War is a thing that stops your heart, breaks your bones, tears you apart,

War is a thing where young men are lost, weapons are used, fingers are crossed,

War is a thing where all is in sorrow, awaiting the outcome, of dreaded tomorrow,

War is a thing when armies attack, coming only with hatred, but it's loving they lack,

War is a thing that turns everything red, the colour of anger, the colour of dead,

War is a thing where you go off alone, with no one to hold you, and never come home,

War is a thing when sweethearts are slaughtered, and killers don't think, about young lonely daughters,

War is a thing that makes everyone sad, missing their brothers, missing their Dads,

War is a thing that shouldn't happen at all, even if it brings victory, someone will fall,

War is combat, face to face,

Without it all,

This world,

Would be a better place.


I think now more than ever, I am so grateful to live where I do, and not have to worry that someday I may have a little girl that would actually know what all that feels like. I wrote that in a ringed notebook, sitting in my warm bedroom, knowing the me and my family would be safe in the morning. Many twelve year old girls then and now, know what real danger and sadness is, and fear for their lives and those of their families every day. My heart goes out to them.
 

"You once said that you would like to sit beside me while I write. Listen, in that case, I could not write at all. For writing means revealing oneself to excess; that utmost of self-revelation and surrender, in which a human being, when involved with others, would feel he was losing himself, and from which, therefore, he will always shrink as long as he is in his right mind.... That is why one can never be alone enough when one writes, why there can never be enough silence around when one writes, why even night is not night enough."
-Franz Kafka


Writing is raw. It is the explosion of a part of yourself that you didn't know was there until it is blaring in your mind's inner ears. That overwhelming rush that drives you to the pen and page, those verses that you cannot write fast enough, a piece that melts from the ink in your fingers. Those who feel it understand. Like your mind will combust if you don't get it out, like you will bleed from the pressure, yet also like the whisper will fade and be gone if you don't write it down. Writing is a struggle. It is that search for something elusive and intangible. It is solitary. It is at times maddening, to the full meaning of the state. Writing is not a choice. It is a visceral compulsion, that cannot be ignored.