Guilt, Motivation, + Discipline
Today, I was reading an awesome blog post about creativity by a woman I admire, and all I could think was "I feel guilty that I haven't posted in so long." That thought made me sad, not just because it distracted me and reminded me that it had been so long since I have written, but because I started to think about what expectations that feeling was rooted in?
The number one reason I was scared to start a blog was because I felt like it would turn from something I like to do, into something I had to do. That it would turn my creative expression into a job, a To Do list item, something I dreaded more than something I was excited about. I was nervous about the expectations it would elicit from people, because I didn't want to let them down by falling out of practice, just like I have. Even though I was scared to put my thoughts out to the world, I was more afraid of saying I was going to, and then not doing it, because to me this is a form of failure. What I hear from myself every week that I don't post is "You're not motivated enough. You're not strong enough. You don't have any integrity with your commitments."
I am haunted every day by the terrifying idea that I won't amount to enough in life. It is ironic that I also struggle with motivation, fear of failure, and depression. They are very conflicting states of mind! I find myself caught in a cycle that starts with wanting to accomplish something, then is stopped by lack of motivation and fear, then I get depressed because I feel like I am not accomplishing enough. It gets exhausting.
The story I carry with myself is "You're not good enough." I have taught myself through my experiences that if I am not being productive, I do not hold value. This isn't something that I was conscious of until recently, and I got help with figuring it out, but it did help explain to me why I feel guilty almost every day, for at least some small reason. Guilty that I didn't write, or exercise. Guilty that my house is dusty, and I am choosing to relax instead. Guilty for doing or not doing whatever it is I feel is expected of me, whether it's real or imagined. I feel like sometimes I over compensate for this feeling, and end up watching too much TV, or going too long without challenging myself physically, and then I feel guilty for that. I have a hard time just letting myself be.
I work with business owners to help them cultivate their own blogs, and one of the things I tell them most often is that they need to be consistent with their posts. I still feel this is important if you are working to build a following, promote products, and turn clicks into cash, (maybe I am wrong there too! Anyone have an opinion on that?), but what about me and my blog? I need to be honest with myself about the reasons I have it, and what stops me from putting text on the screen.
Writing is scary. Putting what you think out there for people to judge and pick apart is, to me, even scarier than getting up in front of a crowd to speak. Writing is so personal. I write to express myself. I write to ponder things and solve my life's mysteries. I also think it is a form of validation for me, an ego boost (although I do run the risk of it being a terrible blow to myself-esteem if everyone hates it). It is also my small, irrefutable mark on human history that helps me with my sense of purpose and belonging. I write, therefore I am.
I am a perfectionist, so I feel like if I write a post that isn't quite finished, or doesn't quite sound right, I won't post it. This often leads to pages of drafts, none of which may have complete thought processes, and most of which I have either lost my train of thought with or just lost motivation to finish them. Even in this post, half the time I have been writing it I was thinking "Do these thoughts even make sense together? Maybe I should re-edit this again? Maybe I shouldn't post it yet, or at all." I use these thoughts as an excuse to not even start in the first place, knowing that if I don't feel like a piece is finished, I don't have to post it.
Sometimes, I just don't feel like it, even when I "should" be writing. That's the thing about writing: sometimes it grips you with an urgent need to create, but for those times when it does not, it is a discipline that must be worked at. So when I am feeling unmotivated, or lazy, I put it off, once again left with the feeling that I am falling behind.
So, I am asking for your help:
How do you stay disciplined? In writing, or in your other passions.
I used to try and write at least 5 mins a day, right before I went to bed, which worked for awhile. Now that I have a partner who doesn't read or write before bed, I find it challenging to not use the excuse that I should be spending time with him instead of writing, even though he is so supportive! I need a better habit.
I still don't feel like this post is as organized and well-worded as I would like it to be, but this is where my brain has chosen to end it's thoughts. So to challenge my perfectionist side, I am going to post it anyways!
The number one reason I was scared to start a blog was because I felt like it would turn from something I like to do, into something I had to do. That it would turn my creative expression into a job, a To Do list item, something I dreaded more than something I was excited about. I was nervous about the expectations it would elicit from people, because I didn't want to let them down by falling out of practice, just like I have. Even though I was scared to put my thoughts out to the world, I was more afraid of saying I was going to, and then not doing it, because to me this is a form of failure. What I hear from myself every week that I don't post is "You're not motivated enough. You're not strong enough. You don't have any integrity with your commitments."
I am haunted every day by the terrifying idea that I won't amount to enough in life. It is ironic that I also struggle with motivation, fear of failure, and depression. They are very conflicting states of mind! I find myself caught in a cycle that starts with wanting to accomplish something, then is stopped by lack of motivation and fear, then I get depressed because I feel like I am not accomplishing enough. It gets exhausting.
The story I carry with myself is "You're not good enough." I have taught myself through my experiences that if I am not being productive, I do not hold value. This isn't something that I was conscious of until recently, and I got help with figuring it out, but it did help explain to me why I feel guilty almost every day, for at least some small reason. Guilty that I didn't write, or exercise. Guilty that my house is dusty, and I am choosing to relax instead. Guilty for doing or not doing whatever it is I feel is expected of me, whether it's real or imagined. I feel like sometimes I over compensate for this feeling, and end up watching too much TV, or going too long without challenging myself physically, and then I feel guilty for that. I have a hard time just letting myself be.
I work with business owners to help them cultivate their own blogs, and one of the things I tell them most often is that they need to be consistent with their posts. I still feel this is important if you are working to build a following, promote products, and turn clicks into cash, (maybe I am wrong there too! Anyone have an opinion on that?), but what about me and my blog? I need to be honest with myself about the reasons I have it, and what stops me from putting text on the screen.
Writing is scary. Putting what you think out there for people to judge and pick apart is, to me, even scarier than getting up in front of a crowd to speak. Writing is so personal. I write to express myself. I write to ponder things and solve my life's mysteries. I also think it is a form of validation for me, an ego boost (although I do run the risk of it being a terrible blow to myself-esteem if everyone hates it). It is also my small, irrefutable mark on human history that helps me with my sense of purpose and belonging. I write, therefore I am.
I am a perfectionist, so I feel like if I write a post that isn't quite finished, or doesn't quite sound right, I won't post it. This often leads to pages of drafts, none of which may have complete thought processes, and most of which I have either lost my train of thought with or just lost motivation to finish them. Even in this post, half the time I have been writing it I was thinking "Do these thoughts even make sense together? Maybe I should re-edit this again? Maybe I shouldn't post it yet, or at all." I use these thoughts as an excuse to not even start in the first place, knowing that if I don't feel like a piece is finished, I don't have to post it.
Sometimes, I just don't feel like it, even when I "should" be writing. That's the thing about writing: sometimes it grips you with an urgent need to create, but for those times when it does not, it is a discipline that must be worked at. So when I am feeling unmotivated, or lazy, I put it off, once again left with the feeling that I am falling behind.
So, I am asking for your help:
How do you stay disciplined? In writing, or in your other passions.
I used to try and write at least 5 mins a day, right before I went to bed, which worked for awhile. Now that I have a partner who doesn't read or write before bed, I find it challenging to not use the excuse that I should be spending time with him instead of writing, even though he is so supportive! I need a better habit.
I still don't feel like this post is as organized and well-worded as I would like it to be, but this is where my brain has chosen to end it's thoughts. So to challenge my perfectionist side, I am going to post it anyways!