That Power

"This isn't a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I'm not saying this thing is true or not, I'm just saying it's what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it for everybody, always. Everybody can't turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them." 

-That Power, Childish Gambino

The rapper Childish Gambino, whose given name is Donald Glover, is the author of these words. He is one of my favourite writers and musicians for so many reasons, being a brilliant lyricist among them. These words are actually part of a story he tells in the latter third of the song. It is essentially about him sharing something private with someone, and they then in turn, share it with people who would use it against him, to demean and belittle. Especially as a young person, this is a hard lesson to go through. The rest of the song has a slightly different tone to it, but these particular lines resonated with me.

I started journaling when I was 10 years old, and I transcribed my thoughts, feelings, and experiences fairly regularly until I was about twenty-two. Over those twelve years, I had people secretly read my journals and use the information they found against me. My step-mother used it to punish me, my brother used it to tease me, a partner to shame me. From this, I learned a different lesson: that sharing myself made me vulnerable. That by letting my inner most secrets and thoughts be discovered, I was opening cracks in my armour that I used to shield myself against the hurtful words and judgments of the world. I felt like this made me weak, that being honest about the darkness that hid in my innermost corners wasn't welcome. I can't say this really changed my personality much, as I have always been told that I am more open than some, but it perhaps changed what I was open about. I tried my best not to give up too much that could be used to hurt me, whether with direct torment, or by my own fear of rejection.

This is a lesson that I wish I had not learned, nor do I wish that anyone learns. I feel these types of lessons are what start to strip us of that childlike ability to go forth into the world with nothing but our dreams. We hopefully haven't discovered what cruel judgement is yet, and we don't know how to be any other way but what shows up in our heads. I'm not saying it isn't important for us to learn morals, and manners and such. It would just be wonderful if as adults, we could keep that mix of imagination and self-worth that makes us feel like we can do whatever and be whomever we want and not be shamed for it.

I stopped journaling at some point, even after I lived alone and there was no one there to go through my bedside table and taint my entries with their eyes. I have always wondered why. Why did I abandon this form of self-expression that I had held so dear for so long? Why didn't I still have that urge to pummel the pages with ink in the form of my inner monologue? This question has plagued me.

I am starting to think I may understand the reason. Part of it is definitely that I have found other ways to feed my writer's urges. I am hoping though, that the main reason is that I have learned that being vulnerable doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong. That loving yourself so much and finding a level of confidence that allows you to share yourself and your ideas and your passions without fear of rejection and shame, is actually a level of strength that repels all the negative judgement they can throw at you. As Childish Gambino says, you make everything for everybody, and then nobody can use it against you. Stand for who you are and your choices and your values. I'm not saying I have mastered this, that I am impenetrable, just that I have reached a point where I understand this concept and try to practice it as best I can.

Fear of rejection I find is what drives back this feeling the most. Rejection doesn't have to be something that always means you are being told you aren't good enough though (although I admit, that I personally have a very hard time re-framing that). It can be an open space to learn something new about yourself, and become a more rounded person. It can teach you empathy, which is definitely something this world could use more of. It could even open doors to even better opportunities.

I won't even attempt to paraphrase Brene Brown, a self-proclaimed researcher and storyteller, but I do urge you to watch her TED talks on vulnerability and shame. You will learn so much on this topic in a very short time. Plus, she is hilarious. She is also an accomplished author, and while I find myself having shudder inducing University flashbacks when I read non-fiction, I am excited to get ahold of her titles and learn more from her.

I guess what I am getting at is that I want to encourage everyone to find that power inside of them, and harness it to propel you forward, so you can really share what it is about you that is unique and bond with others over what you find compatible. And maybe, eventually you can turn to those who are choosing to attack the chinks in your armour with malicious words and ask them what it is inside of them that they are afraid of, that makes them lash out.

I think one of the biggest compliments I have ever received was from my youngest sister. She told me that seeing my partner and I together taught her that she needs to learn to open her heart, because you never know who is trying to open their heart up to you. Live into your vulnerability, you never know what you could make space for by being open with yourself.

* That Power, Childish Gambino, full song here

* The Power of Vulnerability, Brene Brown, TED talk here
* Listening to Shame, Brene Brown, TED talk here