Being Little

Most of my life, I have identified as "little." I am 5ft 3in and I have outgrown most of my biological female relatives, so shortness is in my genes. In my step-family though, I am the oldest and the shortest. My youngest sister can pick me up under my armpits and swing me around, much like I am sure I did to her when she was a baby. 

Being little, I have learned my place in the world. I can fit into a High School locker, always fun for pranks. I have resigned myself to the fact that if I am ever on the floor for a concert, I basically can't see the stage. I have a tiny fold-up stool in my kitchen so I can reach the high shelves. I often need help in grocery stores trying to buy jars of sun-dried tomatoes. I sit in the middle of the backseat of a car (which I never mind because it helps my motion sickness). I am expected to volunteer to sleep in the smallest bed, which I usually do.  No one ever asks me to reach anything or carry anything for them.

Sadly, and mistakenly, being small is often associated with being weak, or being lesser in some way. We can't control our genetics for size as much as we can't for the colour of our hair or the shape of our nose. Weight is another matter, which for most people can be managed through exercise, healthy eating, and other good lifestyle choices. But isn't it odd that we criticize people so much for something we can't control? I think about things like before I found my long-term partner, my taller female friends said I wasn't allowed to date tall men because I needed to leave them for tall women. I have always thought that was a little unfair. I can't control who I am attracted to! What if I was only into really tall men? Who is to say I couldn't date them? I mean, I do get where they are coming from. I get, that evolutionarily speaking, women are programmed to want men who can protect us from wild beasts and procure us healthy babies. Although, as is discussed in this Psychology Today article, height is only a perceived indication of a man's ability to do so. It doesn't actually mean he is stronger or smarter, until proven otherwise, he is just tall. The article references an interesting study on height. It would seem that both men and women report being more satisfied with their height when they are taller. Also, men reported wanting a partner that was slightly shorter than them, and women reported wanting a male partner that was taller than them. There is a lot of speculation about the results, attributing them to other social influences, and also noted that the participant sample was taken from heterosexual Western University students, meaning there was no control for age or cultural experience. I am sure that is not the only study that exists on height, but isn't it interesting that we attribute so much to something we literally have no genetic control over? 

Size is a funny thing that we as a society put a value on. Men are expected to be big. Ideal masculine adjectives are things like jacked, huge, tall, sculpted, strong. Women are expected to be smaller, embodying adjectives like slender, girly, beautiful, cute, feminine. At least this is what I have learned from my Western perspective. Thankfully, some of those adjectives are fading, and some are coming to the forefront for both genders as we slowly learn to recognize that gender is a spectrum, and that we can identify as whatever we feel is true to ourselves. 

When I was about 16, I could chest press almost half my body weight in one arm about 10 times. I could do more pull-ups, push-ups, and back extensions than most girls my age. I was an avid weight lifter, something I am constantly pushing myself to be more motivated to do now. I want to be that strong again. Not only does it make me feel healthy, it makes me feel like I am breaking free of the box that "being little" puts me in. I think actually my absolute favourite adjective is Strong. I feel like my best self when I know I have challenged my body to be strong. I feel whole when I am being true to my emotions, being open and vulnerable, which I feel shows an immense amount of strength. The unfortunate counter to strength is weakness, and I would hate for someone to feel that if they are not strong, that makes them weak. What I would venture is that when we feel a loss of strength, of power, that we take it as a learning opportunity from which we will build ourselves back up again.

I often get people saying things to me like "But you're so little!" as if that magically solves my self-esteem issues. Yes, I was blessed with a very healthy metabolism. I eat the same amount as my fiancé most days (sometimes more on the days I shame-eat cheese). I shouldn't, but I do. I still have to work to keep up my physique, but not as hard as others. I do notice my energy levels dropping significantly if I am not taking care of myself by eating well, exercising often, and sleeping enough. I get pooped!  That's not the point though. I think most people see being little as a positive thing. And I'm not complaining! Most of the time, I like being little. I may be short but I am still curvy, so despite being small, I don't think of myself as particularly "petite" and I like that . Sometimes though, I want legs long enough to rock a jumpsuit. I want to buy jeans that aren't 7 inches too long for me. I want to wear a t-shirt dress without looking like I am in pajamas. I just want to be able to reach the damn tomatoes!!!

We all want what we don't have sometimes. Really, there is no such thing as "one size fits all", no global standard for sizing clothes, or anything else. No global standard for beauty either. Different cultures have different concepts of what is attractive. Thank goodness! Our differences should be celebrated, not shamed. Marvelled at. How awful it would be if there was no variety among us. We are all so interesting to look at. People watching is one of my favourite things. How we move, how we talk, what we wear. It's not what physical adjectives that are used to describe us that matter though.

This may have sounded a bit like a rant, but I swear it's not. I knew I was going to be this height forever a long time ago, what I look forward to now is how I can grow in other ways. What I wish mostly, is that the adjectives I embody are strong, healthy, open, kind, loving. If I can achieve that, the impact those things could have on myself and others, won't be little at all.