Year One
Last week marked one year from when I committed to writing one blog post a week for a year. In that first post, I don't actually share that as a concrete goal, but that was where my head was at. I talked more about struggles with motivation, inadequacy, and fear of not amounting to anything. About feeling not good enough to call myself a writer, even though that is what I desperately wanted. About guilt, oh the guilt! And about creating a sense of purpose by writing and making a small mark on the tapestry of human history.
Now here I am, one year later, 12 months older, having put more words out into the world than I ever have cumulatively in all my life before that. I counted it up, and if I am correct I was able to hit my goal 43 out of 52 weeks in the past year. For two of those weeks, I gave myself a pass because I was away for the whole week and was busy prepping for that time. The other 7 weeks, who knows? I found myself in the Fall of 2017 definitely a little less into it, but that may just have been from a shift in the weather. Either way, I feel like that's not bad for a new endeavour. I am so happy I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and accomplished something. This is what is coming up for me from this experience:
I love writing. I think that is my most obvious and yet most rewarding take-away from having this blog. I totally fell in love with my own written word again. Once I had let go of the fear that something I wrote wouldn't be good enough, that everyone would hate it, that it would be so mediocre that no one would ever read it, and the compulsive thoughts about every thought/article needing to be articulated well and "finished" I found a whole new way to connect with writing again. It felt more like journalling than it did creating articles. Without those fears, I was able to write about anything I was comfortable with. I felt free.
The other great thing was that even though I was already making progress in my personal life to be more open and vulnerable, sharing a part of my creative side on a regular basis was a great way to keep pushing that envelope. It challenged me to be a little more risky than I normally am (although to be fair, I'm still pretty tame). My worst nightmare is that I put out a post that contains such an ignorant point of view or comment that I offend someone, or worse, a whole bunch of people in a fundamental way that I don't even agree with. But that's the thing about having a blog that is basically just a bunch of opinions and thoughts, they might offend people. I would say I still shy away from writing about a few topics, mostly personal experiences that involve other people that I would rather not hurt. I sort of have a feeling that someday those will come out through another avenue though. I have been told I should write a book about my family experiences, something I imagine would be formatted like the Vinyl Cafe, with less comedy and more drama. Maybe I'll get there. The thought overwhelms me, but maybe.
I did talk a lot about wanting to actually turn this into more of a career as well. In terms of bringing in an income by being a writer, I seem to have developed one small problem: I don't like people telling me what to write. I don't like having to write about something that doesn't interest me. I find it arduous! I like writing essays, and arguing a point, but so much writing these days is online and is all about baits and clicks. Naw, no thanks. That might seem like a backward attitude for someone trying to make it as a writer, but it is true. Ask any writer, and I bet they'll tell you it is easier and more enjoyable to write about something you are interested in, passionate about, something organic. Obvious, right?!
I haven't taken on or pursued as many paid writing opportunities as I should have in the last year. I think needing to connect with the work is a big reason, but if I am being honest, I am still afraid to bet on myself. I am afraid to come up short in the funds department in such a crucial time in my life. I am on the brink of building a house, hosting a wedding, and planning a family. These things are all significant investments! I don't want to let my future husband down by not contributing to the household. What if I strike out to become a writer and don't make the money I need to? Also from the honesty department, I have become spoiled. I have a free and privileged life. We don't have kids yet, I don't have to work on the weekends, except sometimes from the comfort of my couch with my laptop. I like my open Sundays that I am free to do whatever I wish with. Cook all day, wedding plan, go outside, stay inside, whatever I want. I think I have let myself get a little lazy. With two other jobs already, I know that taking on more writing now would mean very little disposable time. It would mean working in the evenings and on weekends. And the hard part is sometimes the words just don't come! I can waste an hour staring at an article moving around 3-4 sentences and not coming up with anything more to add. Writing isn't like having a To Do list you can easily check off at your desk. It takes creative brain power and you can't force inspiration. Sometimes writer's block is just an excuse to fall back on, but sometimes it is real.
I also don't really know how to value my skill-set. Yes, I know that in some ways I have an above average knack for stringing words together, but I still am not sure how to price or market that. Especially because I didn't actually go to school to be a writer, I just do it because I want to and people seem to enjoy it. I think it has a little to do with self-worth as well. About giving myself the permission to value myself and ask for what I want. I remember saying no to a small editing project last year because they didn't want to pay me what I asked for. I could have given in and done it for significantly less, but I was happy with my decision. I hope that this year, I will take a few more risks, bet on myself a little more, work harder, and be honest about what I want and don't want in terms of writing. I also want to make more time for creative projects. Work on screenplays and novels. Maybe even submit to a few writing contests. Who knows?! I would love to be able to say that this is the year I finish something that is weighty and of real creative merit. I want to create characters and hang out with them, get to know them. If anyone has any tips, please share!
Moving forward, I think I have a much healthier approach to writing and blogging. I am not mentally requiring myself to post every week this year to make time for other projects. I am going to write when inspiration hits. Sometimes that is all at once, and sometimes the well is dry for awhile. I do know that I have created a habit out of putting words down every week, and I am conscious of when I miss it. That in itself is motivating and I am excited for what that means for my writing going forward.
Also, I want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has been following along, reading a sporadic post, commenting, sending me messages, stopping me in the street. I have a felt an outpouring of support this year for putting myself out there and I really appreciate it! I hope 2018 is even better. XO