Flake

As I understand it, we have assigned the term "flake" to someone who is unreliable. Someone who doesn't have integrity with their word. You know that friend who ditches last minute, who is always late, or just doesn't show up at all? Or that business that everyone warns you about going to because they never get back to you on time or lose your stuff, or what have you? These are the people I have very little patience for.

I am planning a wedding right now, and I can say without a doubt that the most annoying thing about it is when people don't get back to you, in a timely manner, or at all. If I am the one reaching out, and I am asking for something that you can't deliver on and you have communicated that, awesome! I appreciate you letting me know! But it is when someone says they are going to do something, or at least commits to having a conversation about it, and then radio silence, that is what irks me. I like to surround myself with people I can depend on. It probably stems from my control issues, but I also think it's a pretty reasonable character trait to expect from your inner circle. When you have to reach outside for help though, you are depending solely on the hope that someone you barely know will come through for you.  

I live in a small town, so if I ask someone for help with something, chances are I am going to know them or they will know someone who knows me. I feel I have to be careful about who I ask to help with what, because I don't want to offend anyone if I don't take them up on their estimate or offer, or I am just not happy with their work. At the same time, if you aren't going to put in the effort to meet me halfway, or at the very least follow up with an inquiry, am I really going to have faith in you to pull through for my wedding day? I don't really feel it is worth the risk, even if  it means ruffling some feathers. This feeling is not specific to my wedding planning; I always feel like this. If you don't put in the work to be organized and follow up with me in a timely manner, I will take my business (or my friendship) elsewhere. You wouldn't stay with a romantic partner who didn't make time for you would you? Why should you tolerate it from anyone else? Our behaviour has consequences, and hopefully, we learn from those consequences and become our best selves. Lord knows I have had my fair share of those humbling moments!

I should clarify that I see a big difference between being flakey, and having to cancel something for specific reasons, or just plain forgetting. We all have a lot going on! You are sick? Stay home and rest, I want you to feel better! Something came up at work? Put your nose to the grind! You are having a really shitty day and you just don't feel like you are going to be good company? Been there too many times. You do you! And sometimes, we just forget we made plans. We don't check our calendars, we miss appointments, we forget that the plans we made even a week ago were today. It happens! But I feel that especially when it comes to running a business, you need to be on top of things. It's just good sense and it's the decent thing to do. Can't make it? Give them a call. Aren't going to finish on time? Communicate!!! 

If you are going to be flakey, tell me up front, then at least neither of us wastes our time. For example, I have friends who straight up say that they are bad with texting back, it might take them days. No worries! They have communicated it, so now I know what to expect. In fact, at that point, they're not really being flakey at all because they have communicated in a way that will manage my expectations. Managing expectations is a big part of having integrity with your word. It would be sad if our default attitude was that everyone will let us down.  We are often told not to get our expectations up, but we still have to trust that people will come through at some point, right? Otherwise we would try and do everything ourselves, which isn't always possible. 

I can be flakey too by the way. I bail, I miss things, I forget. And I feel terrible after! Knowing that I stood someone up or didn't live up to set expectations makes a pit in my stomach, whether it is at work or in my personal life. I will let guilt wrack me for days! My word is worth something to me, and if I am constantly coming up short in my commitments, that value goes away. I would hate that! Why do you think I make so many lists? I don't want to forget anything! The top two things I use my phone for after the actual communication capabilities are the Calendar and the Notes apps, which have replaced my Moleskin day planners (which I miss, but really, it's just easier).

My flakiness is often rooted in my anxiety. I will make plans with someone, and then on that particular day, I just don't feel up to expelling social energy. That is a whole other ball game. Those of you out there who are fellow anxiety sufferers, you know what I am talking about, especially the ambiverts. That feeling sort of like you have something large sitting on your chest, so you have a little shortness of breath holding you back, but also like you want to will your feet to just walk out the door and go for it? Anxiety is a huge reason why many of us cancel plans or just don't make them in the first place. It is the communication that is the important piece. You have to talk about it. Call your friend, explain how you are feeling. If they don't experience the same thing, at least they will sympathize and will have gotten to know you a little better, and will know to expect this as part of your person. Even if it isn't a matter of anxiety or mental health, being open about it, owning up to the reason, that is what saves your integrity. 

I also feel like it is better to communicate that you don't have an answer yet than to just not say anything.  Personally, if I don't hear back from someone within 24 hours, I am already tempted to follow up. But if someone gets back to me even to say "Thanks for contacting me, I will get back to you with more info soon," I feel way better. Most of the time, we just feel the need to be acknowledged. Anyone who has ever read anything about the science of retail trends will know this.  And I tell you, especially when it comes to running a business, staying in communication will go a long way with your customers. If I do follow up on something, I don't need to hear the litany of reasons why you haven't gotten back to me or followed through on something. I am as understanding as the next person, but at that point, I would prefer not to dwell on it and move on to a solution. If we don't meet our commitments, we deserve to be called out. Don't make excuses, own it, learn from it, and move on.

If you say you're going to do it, do it. If you realize you aren't going to meet the original expectations, communicate that to the other party and re-commit to new ones. Will you disappoint someone? Maybe! Will it be an uncomfortable conversation? Potentially! But it is so much better to be up front and honest than it is to try and cover your tracks later when you have already let someone down. It is seriously that simple! If you are a fully fledged adult who has mastered things like driving a car, sustaining your own life, maybe even running a business, this should not be a difficult concept. I mean, doesn't this bug everyone?? Have you ever heard someone tell you a story like "Yeah, but then I just never heard back..." that ends in them being totally cool with that?

I know, a lot of you may think "This girl needs to calm down. She can't control her whole life!" No, I can't. But armed with an iPhone and a mild case of OCD, I can at least plan for a lot, and I can stay in communication as it plays out. Just acknowledging someone's expectations sometimes is all it takes to right the situation. That and a little personal accountability shouldn't be too much to ask of each other, especially when often it will only take a few minutes. Make time for one another. Be kind. Communicate.