On the Same Page

There is a book, that I have yet to read, called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. For someone who has never read this book, I talk about what I believe to be the content of  it a lot. I may not know the nitty gritty of the profiles, but I do know at least a little about the concept. Each of us communicates our love in a different way. We all have a unique combination of certain things, be it physical or emotional or both, that to us communicate love.  Love is a complicated beast, and to begin to understand it, I agree that we need to do a little introspection to determine what it really means to us individually to show and receive love.

I took the quiz that is provided on the book's website and got some insight into what I had already assumed about the way I perceive love. I was not surprised by my results. My top Love Language is Acts of Service. The excerpt below explains a little.

"Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts."

This doesn't mean I want to be waited on hand and foot, but it is meaningful to me when someone, especially a romantic partner, goes out of their way to make my life easier or more enjoyable in small ways. For each person that ascribes to this language, the things that are meaningful for them will be different. For me, even though it may seem like a small thing, if my finacé say, offers to clean the bathroom, that means more to me than if he were to bring me home a gift. Having someone pick up the slack when I am overwhelmed or doing something just because they know if will bring ease to my day/week/month, means as much to me as it does to hear "I love you." In their doing, they are showing me they love me. I tell people how I feel often, but I also love to surprise people with meaningful items that took less money and more effort to express my emotions, send them a letter to let them know I am thinking of them, or perform some small act that will in general brighten their day.

I also scored high in two other categories: Quality Time and Physical Touch. I like to snuggle, I like to hug people hello and goodbye.  When it comes to putting in time together, as long as I feel like we are actually connecting, it doesn't so much matter what we are doing. I love to host, to have people around me, and having people in my home so I can cook for them and offer them a comfortable space to socialize and be themselves is a way I show love. 

A big challenge can emerge when two people in a close relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, speak different Love Languages. This creates  what I think of as an emotional dissonance, which a lot of the time we are totally unaware of. You could be in a relationship for years without realizing something like this. There you are, hugging and kissing and bringing home gifts to your sweetie thinking they realize this is how you are showing love, when really they are just waiting for you to put down the TV remote and spend some honest to goodness time with them, or for the love of God clean the bathroom when you say you are going to! 

The book may be over 20 years old, but I still feel like this isn't necessarily a conscious part of every relationship. I myself didn't come into contact with the idea until after my first relationship was over. I realize you don't need the specific language and terms used in this book to converse about it, but how many couples, or friends and family members, are really talking about it? To me this is especially important to address in your home, with the person you spend the most time with, and with whom you are building a life. But even in friendships it can have devastating results if the people in your inner support group don't understand what you need to feel loved and appreciated. 

 In discussion with a friend recently about something along these lines, she said something that really hit home for me. 

"It's so hard when there is a fundamental difference between what you need from someone and what they can deliver. Once you recognize your differences and have discussed them, maybe it comes down to a choice if you can reconcile them and find satisfaction in some other way.  Or some sort of compromise that works for both people."

I really thought about that. Thankfully, I don't feel that I have any irreconcilable differences of this type with my chosen person (who vacuums or does the recycling is another story). I bet though, that you could come to a cross roads with someone, where despite enjoying them as a person, you have to evaluate whether or not you are well suited, or at least are both well-equipped enough to find appropriate compromises. And if not, you'll both have a big decision to make.

As with so many things, what it comes down to for me is communication. Talk, all the time, even when you think it is too much. That is a much better problem to have than saying too little, or nothing at all. Don't let things bottle up. I mean, if someone gets you a gift for your birthday, you don't need to immediately point out that you would prefer them to just make dinner together or for them to clean your car, but you get my point. No one really loves to sit down and have long, serious talks about their relationships, and yet they are bound to happen anyways. I try and give as much in the moment communication as I can, but sometimes it's not the place, the time, or I am just uncomfortable. I will make notes so that I can discuss things later, which I am sure isn't scary at all when I sit down with my fiancé holding a piece of paper covered in inky scribbles. I know in the end it is good for us though. The benefits of having the uncomfortable discussion far outweigh the potential damage done by keeping things in. Resentment, depression, anger, so often preventable by just opening your mouth. We might not all be good at it, and I can't say that practice will make perfect, but in the long run I still think we're better off taking the time, doing the work, to make sure we're on the same page.