Take My Hand

When I was a little girl, I would fantasize about what my life would be like when I was an "adult." I would be mature, I would be successful. I would be a good dresser and a witty conversationalist. I would have a loving husband and family. I would have a life I loved and I would be respected. Life would all just fall into place.

The older I get, the sillier this fantasy becomes. I was privileged enough to have this ideal image of myself and encouraged to do so by my family. What I always have found funny though, is that I think I really believed that at some point becoming an adult meant I would morph into a different person. In some ways, that is true. Self-development that happened naturally and with conscious effort has thankfully been a part of my coming into adulthood. Even though I have my struggles, I have been able to put behind me a few key experiences that held me back.  I don't believe that my perfect career is going to just hop out at me, or that life's journey will be seamless or won't take hard work. I say to/hear so often from my peers "I guess that means we're adults now?" when we are discussing things like buying houses, having kids, planning more than a year ahead. But that switch I was waiting for never went off. I am still the same person, just a little wiser (hopefully) with a slightly slower metabolism. 

What I am experiencing now is the relationship side of being an adult. I didn't grow up with an idillic nuclear family to use as a model for what I would want my family and my marriage to look like someday. I mostly remember making a lot of mental notes on what to do, like encouraging creativity, adventure, and being active, and on what I wanted to avoid, things like fighting openly, speaking  harshly, and emotional blackmail. These days, I happily find myself in a partnership where we agree on most things, and respectfully communicate about things we differ on. I'm not saying we're perfect by any means, but I feel really lucky for what we have together. 

Back to the fantasies of my youth, I had ideas about what adventures I wanted to embark on when I was older. Travel to far away lands, meet terribly interesting people, be daring and bold (I think I was a lot more audacious in my mind than in real life). When you are in a couple, you have a whole other life that you need to make room for. What about their fantasies and goals and plans? You are no longer making decisions for just you. 

My partner and I are currently in the middle of a big relationship tester: moving. Luckily, it is a move we can take small chunks at a time, being that we're not going too far, but that also means that it elongates the process. We are tearing apart the house, throwing things in boxes, hauling small loads when we can. There is a lot of "Do you still want this?" and "Can I get rid of this?" or "When was the last time you used it?" You may have guessed that most of those questions are coming from me. It is a new challenge for us. Our long term plan is to build a house, and I worry about how I will handle the big decisions. I am not as experienced as my fiance is when it comes to this kind of stuff, and I hate feeling useless when I should be contributing. In the past week, we have had many important conversations with people who are going to help with the process, and I am starting to feel more confident that I can learn as we go and pour any efforts I can offer towards things like painting, sanding, staining, and anything else I am able to take on.

I guess what I am really getting at is something I learned early on in my life, but never really practiced until the past few years. You have to find a comfortable place of self-love to be able to trust that someone is not only willing to jump into life with you, but is excited about it. I spent too many years with that knowledge tucked away without believing it applied to me. I am also not always great at the whole trust that someone is going to stay with you forever train of thought. I have seen again and again that not be the case, in my own home and otherwise. But still, that fear comes mostly from a place of poor self-love. Today, I shed this attitude and those fears! Be gone! Farewell! Good riddance! Every day my partner proves to me that I am worth his love. And every day he inspires me to be the best version of myself so that I can be an equally amazing partner for him. 

If someone says they love you, and you have no evidence to contradict that, believe them. Take their hand, kiss them on the cheek, and jump into life together.