Boring

I once had someone tell me that until recently, their impression of me was that I was boring. Now, in the context of the candid conversation we were having, the comment at the time wasn’t a huge deal and apparently their opinion has changed after getting to know me a little better. But, it did get me thinking.

Being described as boring, or even worse truly embodying the adjective, is one of my nightmares. In my head, a life lived bored or boring is a life wasted. So a thought running through my head often of late has been “Am I boring? Am I bland?” I haven’t kept it to myself either. I have asked several of the people who know me best if they think so. The resounding answer has been no, but they love me, so really, what did I expect them to say?

I have always been surrounded by wonderful friends, but I have never really been one of the “cool” kids, in many different environments. Different jobs, groups I have been a part of, and definitely in many social situations. I wasn’t un-cool necessarily, but at least obviously not part of the inner circle I so desperately aspired to be included in in whatever situation I found myself. I imagine therein lies the problem: the desperate want. I probably gave off a bit of a needy energy, which sometimes translated into either overbearing social exuberance, or shyness. Either way, whatever I was doing, whomever I was in those situations, I wasn’t someone that got the anointed approval of the Queen Bee. I have flown into the hive, but I only ever felt like I had a visitors pass.

The funny thing is, that at least in my 20s, I have had multiple experiences where I seem to surprise people with my personality after they’ve known me for some time. As if my first impressions don’t really speak to who I am. Given, most of the time this happens when I get to know someone in a professional setting first, where it may not be appropriate or at least pertinent to randomly express the more colourful things about myself. But it still seems curious to me. More than once I can recall meeting someone, thinking they seem great, and then that is that. Then I’ll meet them again after a year or more has passed, and through whatever new interaction we have, I seem to become a whole other interesting person to them. And often that other person barely remembers meeting me, or not at all. Often I don’t even bring it up. It obviously wasn’t memorable for them so why bother?

I am in a place in my life where I am happier with who I am more than ever, so why does this matter to me even now? Why waste the time thinking about it? Am I still so desperate to be liked, to somehow transcend from lower social rungs into a place where I magically make a great first (and lasting) impression? What is this construct of coolness we have created and why does being a part of it weigh on me?

And what is it that I personally define as being cool? I guess to me, it has always meant being well liked, and as an adult, it also means well-put together. Whether it is a measurement of some type of success, or knowledge on certain topics, or a lifestyle, it could be any combination of these things that causes me to qualify someone as "cool." And it’s not about pop culture references or the warped idea of coolness that we get from the media. It is the people I meet that are up to really amazing things. Currently the people I am most interested in are Farmers, especially the local entrepreneurs in my community. I want to hang out with them, learn from them, know their stories. The work they do fascinates and inspires me. (I suppose with our trend towards shopping locally and eating sustainably, it is arguable that Farmers would qualify as trendy. Rightly earned! They really are some of the best people.)

There are people from my past, people I wish I had been closer to at one time or another, that I still wish I could connect with. I was always just on the peripheral of these groups. Now we’re getting older, life stages are changing, and there are events like weddings that I don’t get invited to, but still hear about or see photos of on social media with tons of people in attendance that I would love to hang out with. And the teenager in me still feels left out. The adult in me knows that if I called up any number of these friends and asked them to spend time with me, they probably would. They would tell me I’m being silly. And I am. But it is in our nature to be liked, to be part of a community and find social fulfillment.

As I have written about before, I am still struggling a little with creating a social community on Salt Spring, so perhaps that makes me extra aware of this kind of thing. I know now that my anxiety and intermittent depression have been big blockers in my not connecting with a bigger group, and I think realizing that is going to change things for the better. And much like falling in love, friendships develop at all kinds of rates. Sometimes you can walk into a room, get introduced to someone, and know you want to have more of them in your life, and the feeling is mutual. Sometimes it takes time. I have experienced both, and I find myself now in that phase where the time-taking relationships are more common. Part of that is the product of our life stage. Not all of us get up and go somewhere where we are surrounded by our peers every day (certainly not my reality). Part of it is effort. I can’t expect friendships to fall into my lap. Much like the energy I put into maintaining the important relationships I already have, I need to put in the effort needed to make new ones and be brave about asking new people to hang out.

As far as fitting in goes, I am also still figuring myself out a little, so how am I to expect other people to know what to do with me if I am still a little fuzzy on that? I do know that I am comfortable with people from all walks of life and can get along amiably with nearly anyone I come into contact with. I have been told I make people feel at ease, which makes me happy because if I can offer some small solace to anyone in my day, it has been a good day.

The people I care about that are a regular part of my life now are amazing and even though they know me better than they may even need to, they still want to spend time with me. Some of them I still find intimidatingly cool and I can’t believe they hang out with me. I'm pretty grateful that they do. 

One of my closest friends once described me in a way that sounded like I might be a bit much at first, but when you get to know me you realize I have one of the biggest hearts of anyone she knows. So, maybe I’m not as easy to get to know as I thought? I do have a lot of energy, and I know that might overwhelm people at first. Perhaps I am more like a complex melody than a catchy pop-song. You might need a few listens, but in the end, you find out there is a lot more to it than you thought. I will try to be conscious of that the next time, or the first time, we hang out.