Buzz

I am buzzing. I got up early, I went to a fitness class, and my body came to work. I have been lifting weights for years, on and off. When you fall off the wagon, it is tough to get back on again. You feel weak, your muscles sear with pain, you get short of breath, some days even sitting down hurts. But that feeling, that shaky, gelatin-like feeling, compares to nothing. I like to think it's the feeling of my muscles growing. Like when my arms are so tired that I can barely raise them above my head to make a ponytail, I imagine that they are just busy putting all their energy into getting stronger.

I also get that buzz from doing something at work that makes me feel like I am making a difference. Running a really effective staff meeting, handing over an article to a client who loves it, or helping an entrepreneur run their business more efficiently. Those are the kind of things that make me want to keep challenging myself. The feeling sort of reminds me of that after-workout pump. I feel a little shaky, because maybe I am nervous about stepping out of my comfort zone, or I am super jazzed about what I am working on. Sometimes I get that same feeling when I am betting on myself, and no one else. My self-love work in the past few years has really centered around finding my value. I realized that I let myself believe that my self worth was equated with my work and my productivity; that it wasn't intrinsic. I have always highly valued things like kindness, being considerate, love, listening, and other virtues that make you a good human, but somehow I had disconnected those things from how I valued myself. That made the idea of being an entrepreneur terrifying, because if it didn't work out, I was not only losing my success, I was losing my worth and I wasn't willing to bet on stakes that high. 

Thankfully, I am slowly coming out of the fog. I can't tell you what changed, but one day I just wasn't as afraid anymore. I was OK with putting my work out into the world and getting nothing back. If I offer services that no one wants, I will figure something else out. If I meet with clients and they don't take my advice, or it is the wrong advice, I will learn from it and move forward. If I write an article (or a blog post) that isn't well received, I can dig into why and become a better writer with opinions on topics that find more connection. 

Being brave enough to find those things that make you buzz is something I think that scares most people, even when they are doing it. I so admire those of you who jump off the high dive of an idea that hasn't even fully formed yet. You know the water is down there, waiting to catch you, but you also know that you might land awkwardly and the sting of the surface could leave a big bruise. You also know that bruises heal, scars fade, and the lessons you learn will guide you to the next highest jump. 

When I was musing on this feeling, I was reminded of a TED talk by Shonda Rhimes that I was lucky enough to see in person, that describes something similar. She calls it "...the hum. The hum is action and activity. The hum is a drug, the hum is music, the hum is light and air, the hum is God's whisper in your ear." She says that when you have that feeling, "...you can't help but strive for greatness." She also goes on to be very vulnerable and describe a ton more excellent insights that she has experienced, particularly about how the hum from work is not everything, that love is the real hum.  (She is incredible. Watch the talk!). That isn't quite the same thing as what I am describing, I am more talking about the things that inspire you, not cloud you or take from your joy. To me, being loving, kind, and lifting others up with you is  part of that greatness. On the lucky occasions that I have felt inspired in this way, I have always felt a little breathless, and like I may have had too much coffee, even though I don't drink it. It's that feeling that I need to lean into and write down so I don't lose sight of what it is I should be working towards, like I have in the past. That idea is both exhilarating and terrifying, because if I lean in enough, I might actually get the life I am looking for. Wouldn't that be awesome?

I want to find my hum, my buzz. I want to live  a life that lifts me up every day, that I create for myself, that I love. I am lucky enough to have found a partner who gives me that kind of buzz every minute that I am with him, and even when we're apart, and he supports me finding the strength to find it in everything else. I want my body to be strong, my mind to be challenged, and my work to be creative. No one else is going to make that happen for me. I have to chase it, pour my blood and sweat into it, and do the work. You don't just wake up with a six pack one day. You get out of bed at 6:00am, 5 times a week and plank, TRX mountain-climb, sit-up your way to it. No one is going to tell you what lights you up, what your passions are, you have to try and try and try again until you find them.  You have to do the work. The gym I go to has a sign on the wall that says "Don't be upset by the results you didn't get from the work you didn't do." I am putting that down as one of my mantras to live by.

Shonda Rhimes also talks about how for one year she said yes to all the things that scared her, and how the act of doing those things made them less scary. Like I have said before, for me, putting these vulnerable thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to read makes them less scary. It makes them more real, but in a way that I can reflect on, that I can process and learn from. It also helps me keep myself accountable to chasing my dreams so that at the end of every day, week, year, I am happy knowing that I left it all on the table. I'm not there yet, but I'm climbing the mountain. I can't wait for the view at the summit.