Curve Curious

These days, I experience body shame less than I used to, but it is still something that influences my decisions every day.

For those of you that know me, you know that I have curves, and I happen to really like them. That doesn't mean I feel the need to flaunt them every day, but I'd like to have the option now and again. However, I taught myself from a young age that it's not a good idea. Here is why.

When I was a teenager, I got a lot of attention very quickly for something I couldn't control. Boys in my school would grab me without my permission and play it off as a joke. I laughed and scolded them because I didn't know what else to do. I bet if I would have stood up for myself they would have backed off, but I didn't. I hadn't yet separated my self-worth from my physical being (still working on that a little). I don't think I actually understood that this was a form of sexual harassment. I was still accepting the "boys will be boys" mentality. Thankfully, I have at least learned that that is a poor excuse concocted to mask inappropriate behaviour.

Guess what? Just because you notice a woman's curves does not give you permission to touch them. Just because you are friends with a woman and think it's just harmless banter, this does not give you permission to touch them. The only time you have permission to touch someone is if they give it to you. Otherwise, you are taking it, and it is not yours to take. Keep your hands to yourself.

One of the top questions young "men" (aka boys) used to ask me was "What's your cup size?" I never had the moxy to respond with "How big is your dick?" (even writing that now makes me blush a little), but I so wish I had. To me, that is the level of rudeness that question could be equated with. It made me feel like I was on display, no matter what I was wearing. It made me feel objectified, and only reinforced that belief that my body was mostly what men were looking for from me. So, I decided that hiding was better than dealing with it.

When you hit puberty, you don't get to sit down with your genetics and make requests, you get what you get. I am totally happy with what I got, I feel really lucky to have a happy, healthy body. The thing is, unless I want to exist in huge baggy sweaters all the time, which would get real hot in the summer, there isn't a ton I can do to hide the fact that I am, ahem, a well endowed woman. I wear sports bras almost every day, that makes a big difference (and is my first choice anyhow, based on comfort). Every time I get dressed, or go shopping, my neckline is the number one thing I consider, even if it's only subconsciously. I'd rather wear my second choice top, than have strange men blowing kisses to my chest (true story, I have witnesses). I grew up with society telling me that men wanted me to be sexy, to show some skin, and also telling me that giving it all away devalued me as a woman, as a person. So, I needed to be desirable, but not act on my own desires, otherwise when it came time to settle down, no one would want me. That narrative caused me all kinds of confusion. That could be a whole other tangent though.

Sometimes, I do want to feel sexy, and I am pretty sure that's ok and doesn't make me vain. Sometimes, I want to put on a pretty bra that actually fits and is supportive, wear something form fitting, and rock my curves, maybe with a little red lipstick. But it makes me nervous. I am scared to be slut-shamed, by both men and women alike. I am scared that I will attract the "wrong" kind of attention. I've been cat called, groped, barked at (yes, barked), ass slapped, and I don't know how many times I notice that little eye flick downwards when people think I'm not looking. Don't get me wrong, there is the right way to make a woman feel attractive and we like it! Everyone gets a nice ego boost from positive attention, it's just needs to be respectful, even empowering.

I have a wonderful man in my life who thinks I am totally sexy and tells me all the time, I'm not looking for it from anyone else. My body image is still part of my own personal self-esteem though. This really comes down to an internal struggle I have with myself. I just need to find that extra boost of confidence that quiets all the other voices until I just hear my own, and listen to what I really want. I need to stop shaming myself, and live comfortably in my own skin.

I admire women who are so confident in their personal style that they just wear what they want, perceptions be damned! It is such an awesome part of our self-expression. So this year I want to learn to love my curves out loud! Any recommendations? Fashion or otherwise? Or do you have a story you're nervous to share? I am always here to lend an ear.