Chatter

I watched a video of two best friends who were each asked to make a list of the things they don't like about their own bodies, then they were filmed reading them aloud but directing them at each other. They were very hurtful things.

I have read about it in a 100 articles on self-love and body image, and still I find myself and my peers questioning why we are hardest on ourselves? With the help of a great support group and some effort on my part, I have been able to do away with some of the negative chatter I used to have for myself and replaced it with more positive messages. I remember what it felt like to have the negative overpower the positive. It was heavy, it weighed me down and kept me from rising to things that would have brought me up. I may have made progress, but there are still things I let creep into my subconscious that are dark and inky and try to snuff out my light. I challenged myself to write them down. If I share them, confront them, maybe I will stop believing them.

You're not smart enough to be an entrepreneur.

You can't wear that top, it's too revealing. Everyone will judge you.

Why aren't you as strong as her?

Why aren't you more motivated?

You can't wear that dress, it shows your back fat.

You haven't accomplished enough for your age.

Why don't you try harder?

You don't deserve him.

Stay small, you're not brave enough to play big.

You are lazy.

He hasn't proposed because he doesn't want to marry you.

Why aren't you more successful?

You have awful handwriting.

Most of the negative chatter I throw at myself boils down to one essential message:

You're. Not. Good. Enough.

Whether it's mental or physical, it usually comes back to some sort of deficiency I have saddled myself with. But I keep forgetting what bar I am using to measure these"deficiencies." It's not like I am carrying around a book of concrete standards or a checklist that I am trying to tick the boxes of. So where is that chatter coming from? I have my theories, and those of others, but for now, that's not my focus. My focus is clearing the fog away using positive thought.

The second exercise I tried was to think of things I tell myself that are positive. It was a little sad that this wasn't easier, but progress for me because despite my pride, I still don't like to stand up on my self-love soap box very often.

You have nice hair.

You are a good friend.

You are smart enough.

You have cute freckles.

He loves you.

You are kind.

You are helpful in a crisis.

You are thoughtful.

You are driven.

You are playful.

I think the best thing I have done for myself when it comes to self-love has to become conscious of the conversations I have with myself. I've often read that our brains create neural pathways based on experiences that end up dictating our behaviour, even without us noticing it. In the same breath, I've been told similar pathways can be formed using thoughts, and so if we tell ourselves something enough, it forms almost what we could identify as a belief, and will therefore influence our behaviour. Ex: I am not smart enough, therefore I will not apply for that new job, and I will stay where I am. We can create self-fulfilling prophecies for ourselves by believing our negative chatter, even when we aren't conscious of it, and then we never find that strength to change what we wish we could. We have to take responsibility for that. No one else is going to lead us into

I have this little e-mail subscription that sends me a daily self-love reminder every day. Sometimes I read them every day and reflect, sometimes I miss a few and read many at once. I always look forward to someone reminding me to be kind to myself and others, just in case I forget. We could all use a little more of that. A little more reminder that if it's not something we would say out loud to our best friend, don't say it to ourselves. Be a better friend to yourself!

See the video I referenced here

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