Year of No
You know when people say they are going to have a Year of Yes? Jump at every opportunity, go to every event? Well, I feel like this year is becoming my Year of No.
That sounds like I am going to spend the year hiding at home doing nothing, but in actuality it is the opposite. What I really mean by my Year of No, is that it is going to be a Year of Yes for myself. I have made a habit of putting other people’s needs first. I have always wanted to be the best friend, be the most helpful guest, and the dependable attendee. I have tried to keep my social calendar radar on, to try and be the best planner in the group and see to it that our friends get together often enough (something I haven’t been doing as much of lately, or for awhile now). And I am glad I’ve done that, it is much of the reason I now have many cherished friends in my life, all of whom I am thankful for.
I forsee this new approach mostly coming to fruition when it comes to decisions of time and money, our two most considered personal resources. I am going to make plans that I want to make. I am going to put my money towards things that I want to invest in. I am going to spend time on myself. Things like building a house, and planning for a family are expensive! Especially when you decide to pull the plug on your regular job and start a complete career transition right in the middle of it all (great timing, thanks a lot past self). That’s another part of it. I left what I considered to be a very unfulfilling job (for me personally) and I have struck out into the world to find what work really makes me happy. I am super lucky to have a husband that supported me in this endeavour (especially since he was the boss I was deserting). Part of that search exists in writing for me. I need to find the motivation to sit down and put words to the screen. I need to hang out with the characters I’ve created and get to know them better. I owe them their stories. I need to follow through on the ideas I’ve jotted down, flush them out, see where they lead me. That’s not something I find can be done in drips and drabs. Well, I mean it can, but it is nice to have the time to write longer, when you can, to amass something of significance. As the below quote illustrates, you can’t write only when you are inspired to do so, otherwise you won’t come out the other end with much.
““If you only write when you’re inspired you may be a fairly decent poet, but you’ll never be a novelist because you’re going to have to make your word count today and those words aren’t going to wait for you whether you’re inspired or not.” -Neil Gaiman
I want to have the time to write even the uninspired pieces, so at the end, I can hold something up and say “This lived in my brain once, and now it is here for you.” And also, make a living at it. The type of writing I want to spend time on isn’t the stuff that anyone is going to pay me for right now. Someday, that will be the goal. I do spend a lot of time during my weeks writing for my current job (at SALT) and I really enjoy it. And I take on other small projects here and there helping people with editing, website copy, that sort of thing, which I enjoy as well. However, I have limited motivation to take on other projects that don’t fulfill me, like ghost writing about topics I don’t have a ton of interest in. That might sound silly, because I could make a steady paycheque pursuing those opportunities, but my heart isn’t in it right now. I want to make time for my passion projects. And as I said, I should do it now while my husband supports me and I actually have the time to do it.
Maybe it’s because I’m watching a lot of other people in my life accomplish things, and I see those people putting the majority of their energy into themselves and their passions. And they are doing it without being totally cut off from the world. They are still interacting, but they do it in a way that makes the most sense for their goals.
Do I already feel like I am letting people down? I sure do. Do I feel guilty every time I say No to something? Definitely, at least a little bit. I hate missing things, I always have. And not just because of some sort of FOMO, because I truly want to attend the event or get together that someone has gone out of their way to invite me to. I am flattered and grateful to be considered, and I feel I should return the gesture by attending, especially when it’s an important event like a wedding. However, you can’t say Yes to everyone, all the time. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m bulging with social invitations, but when the big ones come along, I have to really think about it - Do I have the energy for it? Do I have the money for it? Does it make sense for my life right now? Those are real considerations now. At one time, they were less so. I didn’t have a mortgage, I wasn’t trying to build my passions into a career, and I only had myself to think of.
I think part of this decision has been influenced by my desire to make my life exist in two different places for sometime. When I traded in the city life for Island times, I knew I would miss it; and I did, painfully so. That was almost six years ago now, and gone are the days when I planned a weekend in the city almost every two months. What I missed most was the people, and where they are and what they are up to in their lives has changed too. Everyone has different commitments, like amazing jobs, partners, kids, businesses. It’s just not our reality anymore to be able to splurge our disposable income on trips and visits all the time. And I think it’s pretty fair that we have to prioritize planning around those things before we are able to consider everyone else.
I think this is starting to make me feel like I am saying I am no longer prioritizing the personal relationships in my life. Am I? I hope not. That’s not my intention. I just need to put myself first for a little while. So for those of you who are used to me showing up, to responding to your texts right away, I want to ask for your patience. I don’t love you any less, I don’t wish for your company any less, I just need some Me time. Someday soon, my Me time could be at a real minimum and if I don’t make it a priority now, I may have to wait a couple decades until I get the chance again (I am speculating there). Don’t feel like you can’t still reach out, still invite me to things. I want to celebrate you, want to share in the new joys of your life. I promise to still do my best.
A great part of this discussion is that every time I have shared these sentiments with someone who I truly wish to be showing up for, they have been supportive, even when it’s them I am saying No to. They also know how to make boundaries in their life and only say yes to things that you can really commit to, and I have always supported that. I have been a little slow on the uptake for myself though.
Maybe I am taking this a little too seriously. Maybe most of you will read this and think “Duh, that’s just part of growing up.” But I feel like I have to say it. I don’t want to just drop off the face of the Earth and all of a sudden start saying No. I am going to disappoint people a time or two, and I am going to be disappointed myself. It’s all about finding a balance.
Wish I could be there, and thanks for still loving me.