Spick and Span
So I have a question for you: Do you let income or gender become a factor in the way your household chores are divided? Let me explain why I am curious.
My husband recently injured his hand quite badly. When my partner is in pain or needs time to rest and heal, I am more than happy to take care of them. In fact, I enjoy it. I want him to feel like he has the space to get better. But in thinking about how I was going to handle the extra work over the next few weeks, I realized it wasn’t actually going to change my routine that much. Which in itself, annoyed me a little.
When I moved in with my now husband (5 years ago already!), we easily fell into a domestic routine. Even though he had been living alone for quite some time and was perfectly capable of keeping the house tidy, I took on more of the household chores. There was no conversation or division, it just happened. And it has evolved over the past few years. Currently, I’d say I do at least 80% of them. And I don’t think that’s fair.
In any given week, I most likely do all the vacuuming, dusting, laundry, bathroom cleaning, grocery shopping, and meal planning. I do most, but not all of the cooking, and usually I am the one who deals with our recycling. I also pick up after my husband when he leaves piles of things around the house, like papers, clothing, bolts and other bits of things from work he brings home. I do get quite a bit of help with dishes and most often he deals with the garbage, which I appreciate. I would love to spend a little more time on other things, but I also don’t care for living in a pig pen, so it’s hard for me to just ignore that these chores need to be done.
I used to justify this division of work for two reasons. One, he does more outside chores/maintenance than me. I help where I can/where I choose to, with things like mowing the lawn, weed whacking, leaf blowing, that sort of thing, but he definitely does more of that sort of work. Which I really appreciate! So I thought hey, he keeps outside tidy, I can do inside, right? I dispelled this justification by reminding myself that even though we get enjoyment from our outside spaces and they do need to be maintained, we don’t live in them every single day. Plus, outside chores can be sort of fun sometimes. Burning around on the lawn mower on a sunny day isn’t all that bad. Scrubbing a toilet is never fun. And if it stays dirty for longer than it should, it is going to directly affect our quality of life.
Two, he works more than I do. Not only does he bring more money into the household, but he also will often work longer hours than me. So I felt guilty asking him to pick up or cook or clean after he’s worked a twelve hour day. I still do. But I also feel like it is fair for him to put in a little work at home as well, since he lives and makes a mess there too. With these reasons out of my mind, I find myself increasingly more frustrated by this unbalanced division of housework.
The other side of this for me is that my Love Language is Acts of Service. That means that these kinds of little things make more of a difference to me than it may to someone else. It means more to me to have someone take an item off my To Do list than it does for them to tell me how they feel or buy me a gift. I love it when my husband does things like makes me a special breakfast on Sunday morning (which he does often), or brings home my favourite snack because he was thinking about me, or pours me a glass of wine after a long day. But I do sometimes wish though that something like folding and putting away the laundry, or planning and preparing dinner once a week was in his repertoire. My sister gifted us with several hours of house cleaning after our wedding a few months ago, and I was so overcome by how much I appreciated having someone else clean for me, I broke down into tears when I walked into my sparkling home.
I also have a big fear of becoming what is ever so flatteringly referred to as a Nag (which a very enlightened male friend of mine pointed out to me is a fear learned from centuries of patriarchal oppression. If I were a man I would probably be praised for being clear and direct. Thank you for that point!) . I don’t want to be the one following my partner around reminding him that hey, you haven’t cleaned the bathroom in 6 months, even though I’ve asked you to multiple times. Or reminding him to vacuum day after day because he just doesn’t do it. If I have asked him to do something, and he doesn’t do it, I feel that I have a right to be annoyed with him breaking his word, especially when I am the one who has to bring it up again and I don’t see him taking any steps to help him remember. I don’t feel like I should have to be the one to have to remember these things every damn week. He’s an adult, I’m not his parent, I am his partner. A partnership implies a sharing of a life, a sharing of responsibility. But, my patience wears down, the chores still need to be done, so I end up doing them myself.
I often come home to the same dishes I had to leave from the morning, or a bin of laundry that needs folding that has been hanging out for a day or so (often that is simply because I get home earlier, but not always). Or if I am away for a weekend, it is often the case that the same chores I left behind are there for me when I return. It is like he really doesn’t notice that these things need to be done. But is that my fault now? Have I created a system with my own habits that has created expectations I am not comfortable with? If that’s the case, you might say ‘lay in the bed you made’. But I don’t want to. I want the system to change. I want someone else to offer to change the sheets once in awhile so I can go to sleep in a nice clean bed. Others may say well if you want a clean house, that’s your responsibility. Yes, I do like things cleaned regularly and promptly, and if I am going to get super OCD about it, then sure, that is something I will choose to spend more time thinking about. However, I am willing to guess that he likes to have a clean house too. In fact, I know he does. When he does step in to do chores, he takes more time with them and probably does a better job than I do.
I am not even asking for a 50/50, or even a 40/60 split. There are just a few of the bigger items that I wanted divided more regularly. Sounds like that should be a pretty easy conversation, right? I have tried many different approaches to implement a better system in our household, none of which seemed to have worked. I have asked nicely, over and over. I have asked not so nicely more than once too. I have made lists. I have asked him what would work best for him. I have communicated how much it means to me that he contribute more in this area. Nothing seems to invite change or to sink in. I have heard of other relationships where one partner feels this way, so they just stop doing things for the other person so they can appreciate what it is like to have those things done for them. But, that doesn’t seem mature, or constructive, especially since if I went on strike and stopped cleaning the bathroom, I would get fed up more quickly than he could even notice and end up cleaning it myself anyways.
I have wondered before if this is a gender issue for me, as it definitely has been for many, many marriages in past generations, and probably is in mine today. So I asked a friend who was male, several decades my senior, and has been married much longer about how his household handles things. It sounded very different. He is the one who likes things neat and tidy, and is happy to share nearly half of the chore load with his wife, who’s schedule often includes long shifts at odd hours. So, I don’t think this is an issue of gender. For me anyways. What about my husband? Even though he is someone I would describe as a champion for women, he might be following societal programming that makes him feel like it’s ok, it’s normal that I do more of the housework because I am a woman. I don’t know, and I don’t know if he even knows. And if that is the case, how am I supposed to combat that? I can’t walk around hitting him with the feminism stick every time he forgets to do something he said he would do.
So why bring this up now? My fear is this: when we start having kids, what then? I am going to need to take at least a small amount of time off work, but I will need to get back to work to support our growing household, so my time will be stretched even more thinly. Will I still be expected to do all the same chores? Because honestly, that’s not what I signed up for. I signed up for an equal partnership, for which I think I am as much entitled to as my husband is. If 10 years down the road, even only a few years, we are still operating at this level, I forsee there being a lot of room for resentment, which is a breeding ground for problems that can get a lot bigger than who’s turn it is to vacuum.
This definitely came out a lot more like a newlyweds-rant than I expected, but I was seriously flummoxed. You know what the great part was though? After writing this, I recognized that the person I needed to share this with the most was my husband, and we just needed to talk about it. I was mad, I didn’t handle it totally appropriately, and I left it a few days too long, waiting for the right moment, which left me open to being irritable. I regret that, regret the way I spoke to my husband in those days, and I sincerely apologized. But from it came a really necessary and honest conversation. And even though it’s only been a short while, I am already seeing ways that he is making more of an effort and taking responsibility for things in the home that previously were 100% mine. He even has a once/week dinner night instated, and he has cooked some delicious meals (he is totally a better cook than me). And I feel more appreciated, considered, and that we are working our way towards a fair division of household responsibilities.
After that conversation, I questioned the necessity of even sharing this piece since so much of it has already been addressed. But I did anyways because I am hoping that if you have an issue like this in your home, or something totally different that you are holding back, this will give you the push to communicate it. I was really honest, scary honest, and it worked out. My advice would be though to talk it through sooner than later, prepare your partner with a disclaimer that it is very important to you, and be calm when you speak. Your message will always be better received when it is delivered with compassion, and will create a space for you to both share without fear. Being vulnerable can be scary, but what awaits you on the other side is really worth it.