The Compromises of Being Structured

Hello New Day, what have we got in store? Brain buzzing with all the things you need to accomplish? Why don’t you take out your notebook and make an updated To Do list? There, that’s better, all your priorities in a straight line. Now, check the calendar, make sure there aren’t any appointments you need to get to. Oh, 12pm exercise class? Alright, what shall our goals be for before we have to leave? And what will we focus on after we get back? Nothing pressing? Great! Go enjoy some free time, or fit in some chores that you’ll be happy to have done later on.

Sound like a nightmare conversation? Well, you and I are different. That example is a pretty typical morning dialogue that I have with myself on any given weekday, or even weekend. We are all wired differently, and that is a little insight into how my circuit board works. Lately, I have found myself clashing more and more with people in my life who can’t seem to wrap their heads around how my brain functions. And a lot of stuff has been coming up for me.

I know I need to get this out, because it keeps bubbling over, so I am going to start with the raw feelings about it, and I’ll get to logic and compassion later. In this first section, please know that all opinions stated are mine and mine alone, and do not reflect on my family or other associates. Be assured that no cats or horses were harmed in the writing of this article. For comic relief, I suggest you imagine me standing in a dark room, wearing all black. I am on a burgundy stage in front of a brick wall, next to a stool with a glass of water on it. I am lit with a spot light and I am holding a microphone, not a wireless one, one with a long cord I have to drag around with me. Can you see it? OK, good. Here goes.

You know, I’m a reasonable woman. I am hoping, anyways, that if I had reviews on Amazon, my stars would be relatively high in that category. Also in friendliness, open minded, willing to help, organized, loves cheese, good hugger, doesn’t need a megaphone. The categories I might be rated low in are patience, ability to withstand bigotry, quiet, does well with caffeine. I can imagine the “Answered Questions” section might include a few like this. “Why does this person get so agitated when I don’t show up on time?” Or, “Why does this person send me multiple follow up emails/texts when I don’t respond?” I am here to explain.

When you say you’re going to do something and you don’t, and you just let it pass by without a word, I feel like that is inconsiderate. Pick up the phone! Send a message! Do something! All conscious (not meaning awake, meaning aware) adults know that it is bad manners to wait until the last minute to communicate that something is not going to go as planned, or that it is just not happening at all. When someone is depending on you for something and you know you aren’t going to live up to the expectations, at the very baseline, it is common courtesy to at least communicate that, and, if I am the one holding the measuring stick, communicate that within a reasonable amount of time. That timeframe varies depending on the case, but I think it’s at least acceptable to assume that if the time you originally agreed upon has passed, then that is too late.

I am finding more and more lately that because I am the lover of lists and planner of times, that I have to be the one who makes all the compromises. You don’t feel like going early? Ok, I will just sit in anxiety for 30 minutes while you take your sweet time. You want to just “show up whenever” and see how it goes? That’s fine, I will worry about missing the ferry or waiting in line or whatever it is while you are free and cool. I am the one who has to “roll with it” or “calm down, because it will be fine.” Meanwhile my cortisol levels are rocketing, my “laugh lines” are getting deeper, and I am probably getting agitated. PSA: If you have a friend or family member in your life like me, the least helpful thing you can do in these situations is tell us to calm down. It will probably not end well for you. I mean, there isn’t guaranteed violence, but at the least you might get some profanity or a cold shoulder. “Let it go” is also, not helpful.

Now. Of course I have compassion, I have empathy. I know that life happens, you can’t plan everything, and even when you do, things get in the way. I know, as previously stated, that everyone’s brains work differently, and not everyone can keep track of things all the time. But, what still bugs me is when someone makes excuses for failing in their integrity. Missed the appointment? Forgot we made plans? Just plain didn’t do what you said you were going to? Own up to it, and do it before you give me the time to be extra, super disappointed. If it wasn’t in your control, just communicate that, preferably ahead of time. I am a reasonable human, but I am frankly tired of the excuses. Yes, I am being selfish. No, I am not making this statement lightly. I don’t have a short temper. I do wonder, though, do the people on the other end of the rope realize how much work it can be to end up doing the Lion’s share of the emotional labour to maintain these relationships? Well, it can be a lot, and it can get heavy, and I do have my limits. You know what happens when I put that bag down, and no one else is there to pick it up? It gets left behind.

That all sounds really harsh, because it is. That is the anger and frustration talking. And I wanted that to be in here, even though I easily could have edited it out, because that is what comes up for me, and for the other people I can imagine are sympathizing with me now. I wanted to show that I can become triggered, and have those streams of consciousness where emotion wins, because sometimes that is the process you need to go through before the rational part follows.

You know where this really comes from for me? (As so far as I have deduced) Is not being considered, and not being understood. The little girl inside me pipes up and asks “If the people in my life value me, and truly want us to have a functioning relationship, why don’t they take into account the things that I need to feel safe and happy?” I have used the word safe before when trying to explain this, and I don’t know if that’s right. At the basic thought of it for me is “Well, how can they say they love me, say they are a good friend to me, if time and again they prove that they don’t actually know what I need, and don’t show up the way I need them to?” As I wrote that last sentence, a little voice said “Maybe because you haven’t told them.” Truth bomb on myself. Well, I’m saying it now.

If you really want to be in my life, and I mean on the daily, I come with a schedule, like Joey, comes with a bag! (key line at 2:44) And sometimes, I am going to be annoyed when you don’t hold up your end of it. I am sorry, but there is just no point in my lying about that or trying to pretend it doesn’t bother me, because it does. And I know it is probably equally frustrating to people that I can be so intense about this sort of thing, or even more so, that I can be inconsistent with it. Sometimes it bugs me, and sometimes it’s fine. I don’t mind when we make a “Come over anytime after 5pm” sort of plan. I can be flexible. But, I do like to plan things, and I appreciate when someone recognizes that. And hey, I’m late, I miss things, I forget. I do try my best to communicate or own up to my mistakes. And if you think I’m not doing it well enough, I invite you to tell me.

Maybe my parents forgot me at soccer practice (or play rehearsals, or camp, or just forgot, in general) one too many times, and I have some sort of PTSD where I think if you don’t show up for me, it’s because you don’t love me, because I’m not worth it. Maybe I need counselling (OK not maybe, I think we all need counselling), maybe I need to meditate more, maybe, I just need a little compassion back. I find that I am expected to have more compassion for the people who don’t have structure than they are expected to of me. I need the structure just as much as you need to have the room for things to flow and be flexible. Isn’t it fair for me to feel like I deserve the same grace I provide? I know you’re probably laughing now and thinking “Grace, yeah, right,” after you’ve just followed what seems like a very long rant from a curmudgeon. I am blowing everything out of proportion though, for the sake of this discussion. It really is rare that I get monumentally pissed at someone for being late, or bailing. Ask anyone close to me to tally how many times they have seen me blow up and you’ll get a really low cumulative number. As much as it might not seem like it now, I do have the ability to be patient when I am waiting on someone who I think is flakey. However, when it happens again and again, I do have a breaking point. I try really hard to separate the reactions, the ego bursts, from the responses, the calm, rationally thought out feelings. I do have my moments where my composure slips though.

Basically what I am getting to, what I have realized in my writing this all down, is my reality is this: I try really hard to recognize when someone in my life doesn’t have the capacity or skills to meet me where I need them to, and I try to adjust my expectations or communication to accommodate for that. Am I always conscious of these things? No, but as part of my growth, I am trying to be more and more, and to apply compassion to those situations. And this, this is part of my need to communicate that I need that too. I too, wish to be understood, wish to have those around me recognize that hey, maybe where my capacity is lacking is to live outside my structure. I crave the communication. I hate not being in the know when it affects my day, or other people’s day for that matter. And my brain doesn’t let me see it another way sometimes. I apply a lot of different veils to this structured world of mine. As far as I can tell, I’m being totally reasonable and rational. And if I’m not, I need you to tell me. Communication is key!

So, where does this leave us when it comes to moving forward in interpersonal relationships? I ask this for me, and maybe for you, if you are feeling a little of the same way. Here is how I see it. There are a few outcomes to the scenarios here when it comes to me putting up with this stuff. One, if all your other qualities prevail, and I can handle the annoyances and stress with the rest of your overwhelmingly positive attributes, we’ll be fine. Do expect though, that I will bring this up at some point. Chances are if you’re someone I cherish enough to keep around, I will feel comfortable enough to express to you what kind of understanding and compassion I need to feel valued and considered. Or, you will get an email with a link to this post.

Another possibility is that you and I, we’re not End Game. We’re not gonna make it down the long road together. I am going to try, I promise I will, I do. But at some point, if you ignore my needs and can’t offer me the same sort of understanding that I am willing to extend to you, do you really expect me to carry the full load on my own? There are only so many times I can brush things off and say “Don’t worry, it’s no problem” when they are slowly chipping away at my trust in you. Let me illustrate with an example. Say you had been going to your favourite movie theatre for years, and then they start messing with the schedule. Not posting their screen times, or not sticking to them at all, plus, they decide to stop serving popcorn (who does that?!). How many times are you going to show up for a 7:15pm screening that doesn’t actually start until 9pm, with absolutely no notice, until you find a new movie theatre? (Ok in our home town we only have one, but I mean, I’d still stop going and just spend the admission money on iMovies). If I can’t depend on you to be in it as much as I am, you are teaching me that I am not worth it to you. So you might stop hearing from me. It will be ok. It might be sad, but we’ll both move on.

The third is it isn’t a relationship that I have invested enough into for it to bother me enough, so it really won’t take up much of my energy if I am only disappointed now and again. I know that might not be fair, but I have to think that I will find common ground when I say that the people in our lives that we are closest with sometimes have to meet the highest standards. Not every relationship I have will fit into these categories, but for me, it will be the majority.

I am about to become a parent, and I know that is going to test this side of me more than anything. I have friends who are parents now, and I accept that they need more time to plan things, or can’t commit sometimes because they are busy with babes, who run on their own schedule. I know that will become my life too. Perhaps I will look back on this and laugh, and be grateful that having a child has taught me to be more relaxed. I am hoping there will be a little of that. I doubt though, that I will ever not feel bad for being late or missing a commitment, because the belief that it is inconsiderate is intrinsic in me.

Of course, as it often does when I sit down to write, new things have come up for me since I started this train of thought. I recently had a friend give me feedback that at the time, I didn’t want to hear, but it was really important. She followed it up a few days later with a quote that said “The best way to get a partner to “do the work” is to embody it yourself. The worst way tot get a partner to “do the work” is to tell them they need to.” -Kelsey Grant I have really been trying to internalize that message and embody my needs for myself, especially with parenthood approaching. I have been focusing on expelling expectations and in turn creating space for people show up for me without any strings attached. I do find that when you have less expectations, you are disappointed a lot less, and you allow for people to surprise you. I still have a nagging voice that argues it is acceptable to expect a certain level of consideration from people, but in those moments I have to remind myself to move on quickly from disappointment, because it is usually me projecting my own needs onto someone that makes me annoyed with them. We can’t expect the same behaviour from others as we do from ourselves.

So in closing, this was a really long winded way of saying that it’s ok to need what you need, but you can’t always expect others to fulfill those needs, and you need to show up for yourself first.

And for the sake of conversation, I’d like to pose a few questions, out of curiosity, to those of you who have kindly bothered to read this far: Is it too much to ask of people who really say that they love me, and know me, to remember that I need the structure, and have them respect that, or is that setting too many expectations? And, what am I not doing for you that is in my blind spot, and you just haven’t told me yet? Or do you have an issue with someone, anyone, multiple people, that you also need to discuss? Get it out there, even if it’s just writing it down for yourself. I bet in the end, it will serve you better than keeping it in, and you will hopefully find personal growth in exploring those feelings.