This Is 30

I didn’t wake up this morning with new wrinkles or new wisdom. I woke up like any day: a little sleepy, wanting tea and breakfast (which was waiting for me when I got up thanks to my sweet husband). But there was…something.

Yesterday, I had all kinds of things come up for me, some that have followed me into today. I was too focused on what I didn’t have instead of what I do have. I crave variety in my life. Without it, I shut down. I get depressed. I disappear. If I had the choice, I would have a different social engagement every few days. Or at least I would have something that kept me interacting with people regularly. I would get tired, yes, but I know my limits and I would schedule in the time I need to rest. I miss that about my 20s. I miss having a revolving social calendar, always something, or someone to look forward to. It’s different now. We’re not all single, many of us have started families. We have jobs we care about and are dedicated to, projects and passions that take time. Friends that you were closest to, even still are, are spread around the globe. I think I maybe got too used to having those connections right at my fingertips. I miss that more than I like to admit sometimes. It makes me worry that I’m not alright on my own yet, that I haven’t grown past that point. Although, maybe I am, and my extroverted side just misses the energy.

As much as I miss those things, much of this past decade I am happy to leave behind me. My 20s were tumultuous. They were a roller coaster of twists and turns I never could have anticipated. You don’t get to choose the ride you get on in life, you just have to hold on tightly and pray it doesn’t fly off the tracks.

The last time I entered a new decade, I was in University, I was in the wrong relationship, I had barely gotten to know or hadn’t even met the most important people in my life now, I hadn’t found my voice yet, and I was constantly questioning myself (and I still had my “baby fat” cheeks). I was co-dependent, I was unsure, I had a terrible relationship with myself.

I felt things. Gosh, I felt them so much. I remember being caught off guard by how deeply an experience could affect me. I could spend an entire day, even longer, incapacitated by an emotion. Usually sadness, of course. I could also be elated beyond measure. Overcome by how excited I was about something new. I feel like I have lost some of that. I’m hoping that means I have matured and levelled out.

I learned the difference between love and infatuation. I learned what true heartbreak feels like. I discovered that despite my years of denying it, I was not in fact immune to depression. It started to hit me pretty hard when I was about midway through my twenties, and the first few years of navigating it has been a challenge. The biggest surprise I think was realizing I could be stuck in it for a long period of time, without even being aware of it. That actually made me quite nervous. I am hopefully doing much better at recognizing the signs now, and trying to figure out ways to combat it.

I realized that even though it might mean living a less than glamorous lifestyle, that it was more important to me to do work that I believed in and enjoyed than doing something that would make me a bigger paycheck. Although to be fair, there was nothing that was going to make me a lot of money that I ever really considered doing…except maybe being a big time screenplay writer…TBD.

I moved my life from one place to another. I had to deal with what it meant to me to move “home” and make my peace with that. I had to pull myself out of the fantasy that my life was a sitcom and that it was unrealistic to expect that my best friends and I would always live within walking distance of each other when you needed a hug or a chat. I feel like I let myself get sucked into the idea that life is a fantastic journey everyday and all your friends are there to enjoy it with you and you’ll have at least one quirky, hilarious person around to make witty comments about everyday happenstance. Guess what kids, that ain’t reality.

I got married. That was pretty recent and pretty big, so I won’t reflect on it too much now. I’ll talk to you in a few months, see what’s up then.

One of the greatest things I think I learned though, was that I was allowed to choose the people I spent my time with. That my time wasn’t something I had to give to people, they had to earn it. That having toxic people in your life wasn’t something you had to stand for. You were allowed to say no, and walk away. The other side of that lesson was that I had to be someone worth showing up for. I already knew that, but learning deeply what each individual needs from you and committing to being there for them in those ways is no small task. It takes a lot of introspection on your part as well, to recognize what it is you need, and see how it is different from other people in your life.

Earlier this week, I was talking with someone dear to me who is in their early 20s. It was a conversation about self-love. I asked, “What do you think your biggest challenge is when it comes to self-love/esteem?” We talked a lot about vulnerability, about learning about yourself. At one point they said “I don’t think I’ll love myself until I have a job that I love and a few other things. I always feel like I’m missing something and I can’t put my finger on it.” I remember feeling that exact same way. That struggle not to assign your self-worth to the things you have in your life or the things you achieve, not the things you are, is one I think almost everyone I have ever talked to has experienced. That is a long, hard battle, and everyone will fight it in different ways and for different lengths of time. I know now, that I am a lot further along in it than I was 10 years ago, and I am so thankful for that.

Today I turn the corner into a new decade with less confusion, still many questions and considerably shorter hair. I want my 30s to be full. I want to fulfill myself with the work I do. I want to create a life that lights me up every single day. I want to inspire people to be open, curious, liberal, kind, and strong. I want to leave every interaction I have with everyone feeling better, or at least having learned something. I want to meet new people, a lot of new people. I need people around me almost everyday, and I have to chose to make that happen.

I want to finally learn to French braid properly (seriously, I am the worst at it). I want to learn more about feminism and history and what I can do to empower future generations of women the way those who came before me did for me. I want to stand up a little taller and a little louder for the things that are important to me, like the LGBTQ2+ community.

I want to get more involved in my community. I was discussing with someone recently the idea of what you leave behind, what your “legacy” will be. So far, I don’t have one. “She was there, she helped, she was nice,” they may say, but there is nothing I can yet put my name to and say “That exists because of me.” I have a few thoughts in mind.

I want to write a screenplay. Even if nothing comes of it, I want to prove that I have the discipline needed to finish one to completion.

I want to become a Mother. I want to experience pregnancy and birth. I want to hold a tiny human and love it more than anything. (And not be terrified that I am going to mess up my kids!)

I want to re-discover the good parts of intensity that I experienced when I was younger. The high, highs that come from living your best life.

I want to maintain my health and be stronger than ever. I actually feel like I have a better relationship with my body now than I ever have. Even though I’m not as perky as I used to be, I actually feel sexier than I ever have. That is probably mostly a product of not giving a shit about what other people think as much. I did a boudoir shoot this year as sort of a pre-thirty, pre-baby, pre-wedding snapshot. I felt awkward at first, but it really did help me own a part of myself that I felt like had been taken away. It’s mine again and I intend to keep it.

I want to know that who I am, who I am still figuring out, is valuable. Despite all the wonderful people in my life who tell it to me, I still don’t think I quite believe it. Not wholly. I don’t trust my darkness yet. We have some stuff to sort out, she and I.

I wrote a series of letters to my little sister once, and one of them was for her on her 20th birthday. I ended it with “It's the strong ones that rise from the Phoenix flames of their lowest points and come out a better version of themselves. Spread those wings and fly my dearest, not even the sky is the limit.” I don’t know if I have arisen a Phoenix, I do know that I still have some low points ahead, but either way, I will try to get some wind under my wings and push higher.

Today will likely pass by like any other day, any other milestone going by. I have been really trying to give it significance, make it a day to remember, one I can look back on. Maybe the best gift I can give myself today is to realize that it doesn’t need it. One day isn’t going to make the difference. What I do with this new decade is what’s important, and a whole other story I haven’t written yet.