Biggest Everything Girl

When I was in University, I was introduced to someone whose friends described as "the Biggest Everything Guy." I had never heard that before. It was explained to me that it meant that every time someone told a story, he had a better one. Every time someone did something awesome, he did something better. He was the guy that jumped in after every story to tell his own. 

I am a big story teller. I am not saying that I tell good ones, in fact I have been mercilessly teased by my family for the way I tell stories. Apparently I am a bit of a rambler. I love hearing other people tell stories, even the long winded, include every detail kind of stories (like I tell). Recently, we had company and after one of our guests shared a story, I jumped right in after with a story of my own. And I got called out. I will not even attempt to explain the analogy he used to call me out (it was sort of vulgar and hilarious), but essentially he was saying the same thing about me, that I had become one of those Biggest Everything people. And he was totally right.

Shit, how did that happen?

No matter how good a story is, my mind starts churning trying to determine if I have a relatable story that I could tell after they are done. (It is worth noting that the aforementioned friend went on that evening to tell one of the funniest stories I have ever heard. I swear I almost couldn't breath I was laughing so hard. It involved a monkey and some soup and no one will ever out do it.) I am still listening, but that little voice is chattering in the background. I have been thinking a lot about it, and I haven't come to any solid conclusions. Part of me thinks that it is mostly rooted in ego. I get myself wrapped up in feeling like I need to be better at socializing, that having the best story in the room will elevate me to "life of the party" status. The thing is, I don't think I am effortlessly that person or ever that person. As I have discussed before, I am naturally an ambivert, so I have very conflicting parts of my personality that drive me to introversion, and at the same time make me yearn for social energy. Maybe I am just not as good at the social part of it as I thought. I know that at some point in my life I felt like I would do anything not to be left out. I went to a pretty awesome High School, so cliques weren't all that common. But I was one of those people who always felt like I was just outside being one of the cool kids. I have always been a bit nerdy, which is really one of my favourite things about myself, but like any teen, I wanted to fit in. I had really awesome friends and I was so lucky. But if I was cast in a movie, I would always be the best friend, not the leading lady, if that makes sense. I'm not a teenager anymore, but having friends I feel comfortable with is just as important to me if not more so. Perhaps I am just going about making them wrong. 

I think more than anything it comes from a lack of confidence and self-love. I often have a genuine fear that no one will want to hang out with me. Thankfully, my desire to socialize usually overpowers this feeling, so I am not too afraid to ask people to spend time with me.  It's not up to them to make me believe I am worth spending time with, I have to authentically believe that first. The more I think about this the more it sounds like I am looking for sympathy for a pity party. That really isn't it. I am just trying to dig into why I feel the need to gain this kind of attention.

I have said that I commit to listening  more than I talk, but I don't think I have been doing a very good job of that lately. I know this isn't always an issue, like when a close friend is confiding in me something personal that they need advice on, I don't feel the need to talk as much as just be there, so that is a comfort. It is good for me to be aware of situations where that is not the case though.The latter half of my twenties has so far seen a lot of personal work on things I didn't even know were there. I worked with a Consciousness Coach for a few sessions and even those short conversations brought to light for me a few really deep issues I wasn't aware of, and provided me with some tools to help me become more aware of my behaviour. Introspection isn't always easy, and the conclusions you come to aren't always flattering. Usually if you are digging into a part of yourself, it's because you don't like it, otherwise you could just leave it be. I don't like that sometimes I just can't keep my mouth shut. I have been told one of my most annoying qualities is interrupting people or talking over them. I hate it when people do that and I feel shame knowing I do it as well. It is something I am really trying hard to be more conscious of. 

We shouldn't be afraid of these conversations, either with others or with ourselves. I had a friend once tell me she didn't want to delve into those parts of herself because I think she was afraid to confront them. The awkward, embarrassing, potentially life altering things we learn about ourselves give us fuel to become more elevated versions of ourselves. Processing them won't take forever,  but we have to allow ourselves the space to feel uncomfortable in our own skin for a little while so that we can evolve. I can say from experience that I feel a lot less general angst having dealt with some of these issues rather than letting them fester below the surface. Just because we don't have a name for them yet, doesn't mean they're not there. In the end, I think ignoring them will be harder, or at least less rewarding. I intend to keep digging.

Maybe in the moment, I just get excited about sharing stories. Maybe my ego is out to get you all.  Maybe I just need to take more time to think before I speak. I feel like it is probably a little of all of it. I am a chatty person, and I don't think that will ever change. I can, however, be much more conscious of when I speak and how I deliver. I will try my best to slow it down. I really do want to hear you.