Survivors

I feel I should preface these words: so often I find myself filled with an uncontrollable sadness and anger when I think about how many individuals suffer at the hands of sexual abusers, even more so considering how many of these abusers get away with it. This piece might be a bit convoluted, as these words are driven by these emotions. These thoughts leave me feeling like I have cried for a week and that I have just been in a fight, simultaneously. I suppose I just needed to get it out.

I read a tweet once that said "Because men never tell each other to text when they get home safe." The words have stuck with me so vividly, because it is something my girlfriends and I do all the time. It's just as natural as saying goodbye for us, asking for a confirmation that your friend is home safe because you are afraid that she could be assaulted in some way as she walks home. Of course men are victims of sexual assault as well, and I don't want to diminish their experiences, but I do fear less for my male friends than the females in my life.

When was the last time you felt afraid for your safety from another human? When was the last time someone touched you when it was unsolicited and it made you uncomfortable? When was the last time you crossed the street to avoid a group of people because you were alone?

What are we teaching our sons and daughters that has them growing up thinking that violating someone else's is acceptable? Thinking that they have a right to physically invade another human being and emotionally scar them. And to make them doubt their own worth to the point that when it happens to them, they don't even report it. The reporting is always a big question. Why do so many cases go unreported? There seems to be many reasons, and I feel that a lot of it is shame based. We are made to feel like it is somehow our fault, and/or that we are broken after. That is not only untrue, but also incredibly heartbreaking. Survivors of sexual abuse should not be questioned and shamed, they should be supported, listened to, hugged! 

For those who doubt the honesty of the survivors who speak out, ask yourself this: why would anyone put themselves through the embarrassment, shame, and public harassment most women endure when they come forward with their stories of abuse if it wasn't true? We spend most of our lives avoiding being thrown into the media in a negative way, heck even at a dinner party or in a classroom we will avoid talking about something embarrassing. We're even afraid to raise our hands when we know the answer to a question! So if you could imagine what it feels like in those small examples, times that by about a million and we might be able to imagine how much bravery and courage it takes for women who have been sexually assaulted to stand up and tell their stories, especially when the probability of conviction is so slim. I have never been in this position, but as far as statistics go, it seems that is just by luck. I cannot fathom what it would be like to experience being violated in such a way not only by a stranger, but by someone you know and trust, which is sadly so often the case with these incidents. I just can't understand why there is a reluctance to believe the victims of these cases.

It disgusts me to think that there are people out there protecting perpetrators. So many of these people are in positions of power, whether it is a faculty member, an employer, even a parent, and yet despite the fact that they could do something, they still stay silent about the acts of these predators. These assailants have violated so many of someone's human rights, some of them multiple times, and they get to walk free even though there were people who knew who could have done something about it. Even worse, these people are discouraging survivors from speaking out. I find myself at a loss for decent words to describe the injustice of this reality.

This issue is not a women's issue, it is a human issue. Men are abused too, often by other men, sometimes by women too. I must say a few things from my perspective as a woman, and know that I am not ignoring the fact that men are sexually assaulted as well.  I have had a few moments in my life where I have felt afraid about where a situation could have been headed and I was terrified. Women should not be shamed for having sex lives, we should be able to participate just as willingly as men, and without feeling as if at any moment our ability to make decisions about what happens to our own bodies could be taken away. As a woman, that is a fear that is always in the back of my mind. It's the reason I put a key between the fingers in my fist when I am walking alone at night; it is the reason I sometimes take a longer route home that is more populated and well lit; it is the reason I so often do not pick up hitch hikers; and it is the reason I text my girlfriends that I have safely arrived from one destination to the next. I recently read an article that discussed women operating by a "rape schedule," which described this type of behaviour. Whether it is conscious or subconscious, we have programmed ourselves to incorporate into our everyday lives behaviour to avoid putting ourselves into potentially dangerous situations or to be ready to defend ourselves should one arise. That shouldn't have to be normal.

Relatively speaking, I live in a safe part of the world where I have many more rights and opportunities than so many women globally, for which I am grateful. And on top of that, I live in a relatively safe community now. But when my boyfriend is away overnight, I lock all the doors in the house of my mountain home, close all the windows, because I often feel afraid, and it's not because I think a cougar is going to come up onto my deck.

If someone says No, Stop, Don't, then don't. If someone is drunk, that is not an excuse to take advantage of them. If someone is physically weaker than you, that is not an excuse to take advantage of them. In fact, there is never an excuse to take advantage of someone. Period.

I feel this topic leaves me with so many whys, so many questions. Why does this happen? Why don't we support survivors? Why don't we have better reporting? Why don't we talk about this more? Why aren't predators more successfully prosecuted? Why is it the instinct of so many people to question and shame victims and protect predators? What is wrong with our laws (globally) and lawmakers that so many of these cases slip through the cracks? Why is the message presented to victim's of sexual assault so often "Do not pursue this case, you will lose", as opposed to "The system supports you and will find you justice"?

I have a lot of emotions around these issues, I feel like they could fuel a much longer discussion, and I have so much to learn in this area myself. I need to educate myself on reporting; on the legal processes these cases follow; on what kind of evidence is required; on what counselling resources are available to victims in my community and beyond; on the history of this issue and so much more. Am I an activist speaking out on a constant basis? No, not currently, maybe someday. I take every-day stands when the opportunities are presented, and I try to be conscious of my words and actions so the mentality around these issues can change and we can find progress. Ido want any of the brave women and men in my life, some who have already shared their experiences with me, to know that I am always here to talk, to hug, to sit silently on the other end of the phone if that's what you need. I support you. I love you. I believe you.

This isn't an issue that should be swept under the rug. It should be talked about and more importantly, prevented. This isn't a new issue. Sadly, it has been around since the age of man. Thankfully, there seems to be more conversation around it lately, in the media and in communities, but clearly, it is not enough. 

So do your part, and help change the world so that your sisters, mothers, daughters, and sons can walk home alone freely without looking over their shoulders or worrying about having to let you know when they make it safely inside their front doors.

Some powerful pieces from the media and artistic community bringing light to these issues.

The Hunting Ground Trailer - Documentary about sexual assault on college campuses in the USA: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBNHGi36nlM

Times Talk - The Hunting Ground:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uz9n9eOje30

Erica's Story - Excerpt from the Hunting Ground: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ubNPwrhoBo

Till It Happens To You - Lady Gaga: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmWBrN7QV6Y

Spotlight Trailer - Movie based on the Globe journalism team who investigated systemic child sex abuse by Roman Catholic priests: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwdCIpbTN5g