Fighting Chance
I'm not a fighter. I don't think I ever have been. I don't like to raise my voice, I don't swear gratuitously at someone to communicate my emotions, and nothing cuts me deeper than that aggressive tone of voice that is purposefully hurtful. Most of my life I have seen this as a good thing, because I rarely bring fighting to my relationships. I'm not saying I don't have other challenging communication behaviour, like keeping myself bottled up when I should speak my mind. Sometimes though, my reluctance to engage in a battle of emotions makes me feel weak, especially when I am up against someone who is a real fighter. I have pretty overactive tear ducts, it's a challenge to keep the waterfalls at bay when I am upset, which I often find terribly embarrassing, but I can't seem to get a handle on it.
When someone is yelling at me, or purposefully cutting me down, I become small. I want to hide, to run, to avoid. Even if the emotions behind the words might be justified. I don't do well with the aftermath either. How do you talk to someone after they've raged at you like that? What is the appropriate ice breaker? And what if you don't even live in the same place, and there is all this distance and time before you would even have the chance to smooth things over? I don't have the answer for this. In the past, my solution has been to not engage at all with fighters, during a fight or otherwise. But what if it's someone I want in my life? How do I to fight to keep them when all they send at me is anger?
I turn to communication as a solution so often it's like faith. I believe that if you communicate with compassion you can break through to anyone. But what if that person avoids you, cuts you out? You can't force someone to take your calls, or visits, even read your e-mails. If they don't want you in their life, you have to respect that. There are times though when you know they are saying one thing, but really are looking for love, looking for their place in the world to be accepted for who there are, and they can't find the words to say it.
I am just not good at accepting that angry fights have to be part of your reality. I think there is always another choice. I feel like that maybe sounds a bit arrogant, but I'm not saying I have all the answers, I'm saying I don't handle fighting well. I'm not good at it, it makes me feel crappy, I don't want it in my life.
My challenge is how do you communicate with someone who is reactive? And how long should you keep trying before you take the hint and back off? At what point does what you feel is compassion become overstepping boundaries? I don't want to come off like I am telling someone what to do or how to be, I just want to help. Is there a chance?
When someone is yelling at me, or purposefully cutting me down, I become small. I want to hide, to run, to avoid. Even if the emotions behind the words might be justified. I don't do well with the aftermath either. How do you talk to someone after they've raged at you like that? What is the appropriate ice breaker? And what if you don't even live in the same place, and there is all this distance and time before you would even have the chance to smooth things over? I don't have the answer for this. In the past, my solution has been to not engage at all with fighters, during a fight or otherwise. But what if it's someone I want in my life? How do I to fight to keep them when all they send at me is anger?
I turn to communication as a solution so often it's like faith. I believe that if you communicate with compassion you can break through to anyone. But what if that person avoids you, cuts you out? You can't force someone to take your calls, or visits, even read your e-mails. If they don't want you in their life, you have to respect that. There are times though when you know they are saying one thing, but really are looking for love, looking for their place in the world to be accepted for who there are, and they can't find the words to say it.
I am just not good at accepting that angry fights have to be part of your reality. I think there is always another choice. I feel like that maybe sounds a bit arrogant, but I'm not saying I have all the answers, I'm saying I don't handle fighting well. I'm not good at it, it makes me feel crappy, I don't want it in my life.
My challenge is how do you communicate with someone who is reactive? And how long should you keep trying before you take the hint and back off? At what point does what you feel is compassion become overstepping boundaries? I don't want to come off like I am telling someone what to do or how to be, I just want to help. Is there a chance?